This month I got a nephew and he is wonderful and beautiful. It sure is different getting to be the Aunt instead of the Mom. Its amazing how much time has gone by since the first time I held my little angel in my arms. Its been eight months already, more like nine; but, in reality it feels like time is zooming by and it has been both challenging and rewarding. In some ways, everyday KaiLee grows is more and more fun-we have new adventures and she is so aware of things around her. She can roll over, sit up, almost crawl, talk, and yet she knows nothing of the real world this far. In other ways I feel as if the most precious of moments with her have already gone and she is becoming this little personality that I won't be able to protect forever. Of course the thought is terrifying but its also exciting to experience as her Mother. What a joy my little bug has brought to my life.
Lately I have had a hard time trying to define myself as a person instead of just a Mother but in a lot of ways, my most favorite things about myself have to do with that role. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and I am grateful now more than ever for the decision I made to keep her. My life is anything but ordinary...non-traditional, exceptionally challenging at times, but its also really full and brings me so much fulfillment that at times I can barely breathe. There are little moments where I catch my breath looking at or listening to my daughter and I'm so full of pride I think my heart might burst. I am and always will be so proud to be her Mommy.
KaiLee is in everyway magic. She enchants me. She is so special and so beautiful and sometimes I feel like she can take care of me more than I can take care of her. I think we help each other but I know I would be no where near where I have finally come to be without her. She makes everything go from black and white to color and I feel like having her in my life helps me to actually experience it more fully. The truth is a lot of time we tend to coast...to be on auto pilot and try to just get through the days instead of really taking an opportunity to appreciate every stage that we're in (even when some of them are places we never really want to go back to). There still comes a certain pride in knowing that during the hardest and worst times, there were still tender mercies that helped to heal the pain.
This week has been truly a blessing for me and my precious daughter. For one, I have actually gotten to take a vacation and spend all day everyday with my girl for about nine days straight-makes me resent working sometimes; but, also we have had a really incredible stay in our little September break. In general, there are certain things that have changed since I had KaiLee-this much is obvious I know, but in other ways there are subtle differences that tend to sneak up on me. I never really noticed but sometimes I get nervous for my old friends to meet KaiLee...you know the ones who knew me before I was "Brittany the Mom." Its easy to meet new people, to introduce myself, to redesign who I am and say that I have an eight month old daughter-that's cake because that is my life now. But, being around my old life and making that transition of who I was to who I am tends to confuse me sometimes.
That being said, for some reason I was really scared about coming back and having one of my closest friends meet KaiLee and see firsthand the differences between me as a person and me as a Mother. I was never worried or ashamed of KaiLee, I knew that whoever was fortunate enough to meet her would be just as in love and just as captivated by those sparkling blue eyes. She tends to have that effect on the people around her. I think she is a perfect example of believing in something bigger than yourself. She just gives me hope.
In a lot of ways, being here right now has been more than I could have hoped for as KaiLee has definitely found herself a new friend and ally; but, I have also rediscovered why my best friend is my best friend and come to a new appreciation for the two people that continues to make my life better. Its a strange thing to be nervous for the one person who was actually there through the entire process to see the end result. I mean come on...the person who knew more about KaiLee before she was KaiLee than maybe anyone. Now, things have taken such a pleasant turn that my heart feels more full and more grateful than it has in a long time. I think God sends you people exactly when you need them and the rest is up to you.
So many times there are people coming and going from our lives. When you find someone that you want to really stay in it, it becomes a trial and a blessing. Its an opportunity but a commitment. Ultimately, fate may lay people in our paths but we decide who stays, who go's, and who matters. Luckily, I have the greatest kinds of people that DO matter to me and my heart melts to know that KaiLee has so many people who love her. Seeing people with children shows real character...it says a lot about a person. That being said, its pretty amazing that someone who has never met KaiLee could come into her life and in such a short time become such an important part. Its a special thing to have a friend so close to your heart you just know they will be around for the most important times. What a difference one person can make. At the end of the day, I think its safe to say that KaiLee has some sort of understanding of what it means to have a best friend-after all, she has at least one more now.
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