A New Kind of Love

          I am 22 years old and in the last three months I have started to learn exactly what that means. When I think back to my High School years, I feel so different, older, more mature, more grown up; but, when I look ahead to my future in some ways I know I'm just beginning. I have learned so much from my beautiful daughter and I am so grateful for all the lessons she gives me-every single day. She brings the magic back into my life, she makes ordinary things more enchanting and she redefines the word love. Love to me has always been more of a choice than an actual emotion...I will choose to love you, to commit to you, to be there for you because of how much I care. I know there are a lot of things I don't know about love, but the one thing KaiLee has shown me  time and time again is that true love is unconditional. There are no terms, no circumstances, no accomplishments that change or define love, its simply a feeling that will last truly forever-no matter what happens.
          I definitely think the kind of love you have for a child-especially your own child is much different than the love you share with other people, but it helps to magnify that intense joy that can really open  your heart to a new way of feeling. Never did I know you could love so deeply, care so genuinely or believe so strongly. KaiLee has given me faith, in life, in myself and yes in love. After she was born, my life became about so much more than me. It became about her and the things that she brought into my life have really changed me for the better. She helps me find hope. She makes me want better...better for me, better for our lives....especially better for her.
          Have you ever found something in your life that you wanted...really truly wanted more than anything? Its a surreal feeling to know when something is right and realize that fighting for it will be the best adventure of all. Its such a hard emotion to describe. In some ways, it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do-and the idea of losing is terrifying, but in other ways the idea of it, the feelings associated with the victory, bring you so much happiness you just know there is no other choice. There are things in life I've wanted sure, but there has never been anything so important as the future of my daughter. I do think sometimes I tend to be selfish and want things for myself but most of all I want what's best for her. I want her to feel the kind of love I have for her in all aspects of her life. I want there to be so many people around her that have that love for her that she never doubts her self worth, her importance, or her value in my life.
          I do think since my daughter has come into my life that I have felt things more deeply. I think its because life has tended to feel more long term than temporary and petty. The things that really matter, the people that really matter they are engraved in my heart-truly and deeply. I feel overwhelming love and gratitude for them and I want to do everything I can to help those people develop a KaiLee like love. If only everyone I loved could feel how MUCH I care. Words don't ever seem to adequately express my true appreciation for my friends and my desire to make those feelings last forever. I still believe in beating the odds, I still believe in overcoming what others think might never work, and I still believe somehow all the hang ups will fade away for the things that really matter. I can't...I won't stop believing that true happiness not only exists but is reachable.
          The biggest thing I have learned is that nothing will ever happen the way that you want, even when we get things we want they tend to be in different ways than we pictured. Should it mean that we shouldn't still wish for the best? No. But, it does mean sometimes you have to learn to compromise and realize that the alternative can still bring you just as much happiness and joy-if you allow it to. Expectations just make everything grey. It takes the black and white out of the easy decisions because we want to bend things to make them fit better in our minds. The thing that I have feared the most lately is that I might be cheating myself out of amazing opportunities because they aren't what I expected or hoped for right away. I want love in my life. I think I always will. Does it mean that it has to be the traditional kind...same as everyone else kind of love? Not a chance. If I find the real thing, I want to stay as close to it as I can-for as long as I can. I want there to be no expectations or pressures about it. I just want to be grateful for feeling it at all.
          More than anything, I want my daughter to know that its okay to fall in love. Its okay to have your heart broken again and again fighting for what you want...for what you believe in-that its okay to feel whatever you know is right even if it means disappointing someone. And, above all, to know that no love is wasted. I want her to be able to learn from the past but hope for the future and do whatever it is that makes her happy. I don't want her to feel like she has to bend to society or what other people think is appropriate. I don't want to label anyone she loves. I don't care who it is, as long as he treats her with respect and loves her the way she deserves. I want her to find her own twisted average fairytale or nightmare all on her own. I want her to be a fighter...the way that I couldn't for a long time. I want her to be strong, to stand up for what she believes in and know that if she wants it enough, she can find a way to make it happen. I want her to know that not everything is easy but the most difficult things of all can bring the best rewards. I want her to know that everything I've learned that matters in life, I've learned from my baby girl.