The Lunchbox Days

          Last week I overheard a conversation between two sixteen year old girls, they were talking about qualities that they like in boys. The conversation was light enough...certainly predictable but it got me wondering about how the answers change . In first grade, boys have cooties. In Jr. High the twitterpated note writing phase starts and high school brings infatuation; so, how old do you have to be to fall in love? How "mature" do you have to be before your love is REAL? When I was little, all boys were good for was soccer and opening the lid on peanut butter jars. Then it started to become exciting and new...there was something really light and fun about flirting and feeling important for the first time.
          My first real relationship was mostly about the label...I had a boyfriend and oh how wonderful it was. We talked on the phone, we went out for ice cream, went to the football games together, and we even got to cuddle-bonus. Our relationship wasn't about anything real...it was based on attraction and infatuation. It was nice to be noticed, to feel beautiful and important-just for being myself. I have to be honest it was more about the way I got to feel about myself than how I felt about him. As our relationship grew, I started wondering about our friendship and what our relationship was based on. He talked about the future and it really scared me...we were so young, could it really be that simple? We ended up dating for the next four years and our relationship taught me a lot. There were so many things I loved about him and about our relationship. I got to be myself and feel good about it...I finally felt like enough.
          When I was sixteen years old, my list of "wants" in a guy was not so different from what it is now. Of course back then, it was a tad more shallow and words like attractive and athletic definitely came up; but, there were other things too. My list from High School probably looked something like this...

Athletic.

Respectful.

HONEST.

Hard worker.

Tall...Attractive.

KIND.

Loves sports.

Thoughtful.

Easy to laugh with.

Someone who APPRECIATES me.

          And that was about it. Over the years my list has changed, along with my idea of what a relationship really is; but, the most important things that I have come to want are the simplest.

Someone who is KIND to me...who speaks softly and tries to understand MY point of view.

Someone who RESPECTS me.

Someone who will APPRECIATE me...even just a little for the things I try to do.

Someone who will NEVER lie to me, even if its not always what I want to hear.

And someone who will TRY to see ME.

Above all, I just want someone who will CONSIDER me...consider MY feelings in things.

          I just want someone who is easy to laugh with, who takes away my sorrows and hides the heartache from the rest of the world...who makes life so much fun that any circumstance or challenge seems to be just a small hitch in the road. That one person who inspires you to want to change the world. I have also come to realize that having a "list" isn't fair unless you are willing to be everything on your list. I had a hard time letting go of my first relationship because I used to feel like I might always be alone...it wasn't so much about him. I never really thought that one person-one relationship could mean so much that without it I could actually feel lost. Dreaming about what it really feels like to fall in love is a nice thought, but when it happens its so much more. Its more unique to you because nothing is as Cinderella as you thought...its just better because its real life...because instead of glass slippers and dresses, you get basketball and hoodies. You get to be you and still feel like a princess. When that goes away, its hard to go back to indifference.
          When you fall in love, and its for real...it becomes about something more than yourself. All of your pride, and control and everything about you goes away because it becomes more about the other person. You would do anything, be anything, go to any extremes to make it work...to try and make that person as happy as they make you. I always end up wanting to do more. I left my heart with him and I wasn't afraid, I trusted him...its easy to get caught up in everything and forget that it might not work out...the thought sometimes never occurs to you. Maybe that's part of why it hurts so much...you don't see it coming-it just blindside's you. Or, maybe its because that person who was also your best friend is all of a sudden gone and you don't remember how to adjust to life without them...because it was so much greater with them in it.
          I think there are different phases, at first it feels like its all about you...like I did something wrong or I wasn't enough...smart enough, pretty enough, or kind enough; but, in the end we all face the reality that there was a reason. For me, I don't always understand that reason but I want to believe that its what was supposed to happen. Letting go is always the hardest part, finding a desire to WANT to move on...once that part comes the rest is easy. Its avoiding the past that hurts the most...I have to consciously think about shutting out memories or the way it "could" be. I have to focus on my life now and the good things in it...and try desperately to believe that there isn't a part missing. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, so there are things that I can't regret.
          Meeting someone who makes you feel like magic is real and enchantment exists is a rare thing, but I know it taught me a lot about love. I think maybe the point of things is learning how to realize that my life isn't about ME and my happiness....but maybe my life was meant to be about HER. I don't want to be selfish...just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should be consumed in my own heartache. The world doesn't stop for your grief...finding a way to take care of HER and be everything I can be for her is enough. Maybe I don't need the rest...I know right now I don't want it. There comes a point where you just have to shut down emotionally for a while...when all of the vulnerability and effort is just humiliating.
          I haven't been able to see myself wanting to move on, but I know I don't ever want to go back...the past is the past and I will try for the rest of my life to forget all of the miserable and magical moments that taught me what it meant to really open my heart and love another person with everything that I could. Eventually, I think it will be enough...for someone-maybe; but, right now I am back to the thought of someone else...and its nice. Its nice to think that someone in the world might really fall in love with ME, and appreciate ME, and be KIND to me...that someone could feel the same way and love me for all of my flaws as well as the silly things that make me me; but, when I think of him I will smile and I won't be bitter because I know what we had was real-at least for me.
          People always say that endings are really new beginnings. The sad thing about endings is knowing that people are going to disappoint you but waking up to the realization that you are the disappointment...and how much that hurts and how much you wish people would stop telling you that. At a certain point you have to realize that just because you might not be the best version of yourself yet, doesn't mean that you don't DESERVE to have something better in your life. People looking from the outside in tell you to just make a decision to move on and to stop letting it hurt you so much...easier said than done; but, I have been surprised how much it does help to at least try. The realization that things will never be the same and letting go of the life you wish you had is the hardest part...smashing the fantasy, really deciding that you can't wait anymore...that its not fair to spend your life hoping...hope is paralyzing.
          I guess that's why I have decided to shut down for a while...to know that its okay to be sad but to learn that no one should get to have so much of your heart that you can't figure out how to get it back. Time is supposed to heal...its the patience thing that's the hardest. I heard a song the other day at work and it pretty much describes exatly how I feel...it was like the lyrics touched my soul and I realized that reaching out is pointless...maybe I will never fall in love again, but I will never be broken again either. Its just time to make my life about KaiLee and to stop worrying about my wants and my needs...she is more important.

          The song goes like this...

hello, my old heart
how have you been?
are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
you've been so still
barely beating at all

          This is exactly how it feels sometimes...you wonder if your heart is there at all because it feels so shattered...I feel so BROKEN as a person and I'm not sure which way is up or how to fix it because I don't want to feel anything at all.

oh, don't leave me here alone
don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you

hello, my old heart
it's been so long
since I've given you away
and every day I add another stone
to the walls I built around you
to keep you safe

hello, my old heart
how have you been?
how is it, being locked away?
don't you worry
in there, you're safe
and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break

          Learning to save your heart is so important. I guess the point of relationships is to learn how to conserve and be CAUTIOUS with who you give your heart to, because not just anyone deserves it and not just anyone will take care of it. Even when your in love with that person...

because nothing lasts forever
some things aren't meant to be
but you'll never find the answers
until you set your old heart free

          This was the part that impacted me the most...How can I move on with my life if I can't let go? Let go of what used to be, of what I want, of what I feel...of him, of us...of everything. So today I will try...again. Everyday is a battle and I would be lying if I didn't say HOW MUCH I miss things....HOW MUCH I miss HIM...but I will just have to stop. Sometimes you don't know what you can survive until your forced to. There are things in my life that I never thought I could get through and maybe in a while this won't hurt so much, but I will always remember HOW MUCH it made me feel...and I will use it to remind me why I never want to feel like this again. I can make it through...somehow...someway I will find a way to be me again and to stop feeling like that person isn't enough. KaiLee definitely helps with that...she makes me feel worthy and I want to be the best version of myself FOR HER.
          That being said, I can't help but feel like I wouldn't do anything different. I was grateful for the time that I got and the wonderful minute where I was in his arms and my whole universe snapped into focus. I will miss that, but I got to feel what I've always dreamed about...and even though it was only for a short while, I will always appreciate and be grateful for it-for him. So my life won't be what I thought it would...that's definitely happened before and I think maybe God has a bigger plan for me than i had for myself. I have never felt like a normal person...so why start doing things like everyone else now? I wish the best for him and his life and hope that good things come to him. I hope that he can find the happiness with someone new that I felt with him. I hope that one day he will open his heart and let someone see how truly great it is.
          So welcome to life...people hurt you. People use you and wish bad on you and people are remarkable and amazing. Learn to accept things that won't change, soften your heart, and know that in time you WILL be able to forgive even the hardest of things. Pray for those who you have done wrong against you and remember that doing more for other people can go a long way in healing your own broken heart.