Monday, February 18, 2013

KaiLee :)

          Well, I can't believe its already been eight weeks since my little girl came into my life, it seems like the time goes by faster everyday. KaiLee has already changed so much. She grows so fast and goes through clothes everyday. Life as a Mom has certainly been challenging and has taken some adjustment, but it has been the best opportunity and gift in my life. There's nothing quite like it...I have watched many people have babies, but you have no idea how much time and love and effort they require until you have your own...and you never realize how much you will love doing it either. Hearing KaiLee cry or talk in the middle of the night is truly the greatest sound. I don't mind waking up because its a chance to see that beautiful little face and spend some time just talking to her. Its a great time when everything is quiet and far away to just be with my baby.
          KaiLee is a wonderful little baby who is loved by so many people. Everyone who meets her falls in love...can I blame them? She is perfect. I can't believe how much and how fast she has changed...seems like just yesterday she was in my belly ready to come into the world. I have gone back to work now and that has been the hardest adjustment yet. Of course I cried the first week dropping her off at the babysitter's but more than that, its just hard to be away from her for eight hours a day. I think about her constantly and when she needs to eat, wonder if she's awake or sleeping...and if she is happy or sad. She knows my voice, I sort of love that :) If it wasn't for actually needing money to support her, I could easily never work again. I just try to remember that she deserves the best and I have to work to provide that for her. I'm doing okay, but sometimes its a little overwhelming...babies don't come cheap.
          KaiLee has started smiling more now that she's a little older, its one of my very most favorite things. It completely melts my heart everytime. I am glad I only have to do one day of daycare a week, but I just wish I had more time to spend with her. She has started taking bath's too...one of the greatest things to watch. She loves it...little fish never wants to come out...she just puts her head back and floats around in the water :) I never want to put her down when I get home...I could spend the entire day with that little girl in my arms just staring at her and thinking about her journey to this life...how it all happened. She is my angel, truly she saved my life. Everything is different because of her, her sweet spirit helps heal my heart from all the stress and sadness in this life.
         Growing up I thought I wanted kids sure...but I never really thought about it in detail...especially not about having them this young-and ideally not by myself. What girl dreams about being a single mom, but in some ways I wouldn't trade my experience. It can be really hard and really frustrating and take all of my time and effort and emotion; but, she is so worth it and I have gotten to really love this little girl. No matter what happens I want her to always know that I always loved her, and I always wanted her. I can't imagine my life without my daughter...my beautiful little KaiLee has been absolutely everything to me. I feel really lucky to have her in my life...to wake up everyday and know that all the heartache, and saddness, and frustration that I carry around is all for her and she helps to make things simpler.
         If I could wish anything for someone in this life its this...that they have a little baby girl all their own. Nothing will ever be the same. She makes me believe in magic. She gives me hope. She inspires me. She makes me want to be better. She helps me through. She is MY EVERYTHING. She has the biggest and best part of my heart-and always will. I worry about if I'm doing enough for her sometimes. I hope I am...I try really hard. I sometimes wonder about what her life will be like...how different my life could be if I had a "traditional" family...maybe one day I will...who knows who will come into our lives and who will leave, but as long as we have each other I think it will be okay. I have her to love me...for now that's enough...it might always be enough. I love my daughter with everything that I have and I will do anything it takes to keep her protected, to help her feel loved, happy and secure with who she is. I will do better just for her. She deserves everything.
           I wish she would stay little forever...I'm so afraid about being enough for her when she's older...then again the older she gets, the more fun it is. New adventures come into my life as she changes and while I am definitely learning everything from trial and error, the patience I have comes from loving her SO much. Its a strange thing to hold a baby and know that another person's life is in your hands. I think about her so much...about the relationship we will have and the person she will become...if she'll like ballet or basketball, if she will be outgoing or shy, if she will love music the way I do...its all just what if's right now but for the rest of my life I will get to be called Mom and what a privilege it is.

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