I've been thinking a lot about myself lately...okay that sounds selfish, I just mean me as a person. Am I the person I always wanted to be, or have I fallen short based on decisions and actions I have made? In a lot of ways, sometimes I feel really inadequate and down about my life. On the other hand, the last year of my life has definitely taught me that I am a survivor and I can do anything I need to in my life. Its been a real blessing to know that no matter what happens, I can rely on me. I can support KaiLee and while I may want help, I don't actually need it...I can do it alone, because I have. I can stand up on my own feet and figure things out even in the hardest and saddest times.
Emotionally I do feel like I am a little broken. I tend to be all over the place...I have felt things so intensely-maybe its the baby hormones but it just seems like all my feelings are magnified. The worst thing for me lately has been anger...I really hate it but I can't seem to let go of it. I'm so angry ALL THE TIME. I feel bitter, I feel resentful, I feel alone. I'm so stuck on the "it's not fair" crap that it really seems to be affecting my whole self. I know I can't be the best Mom for KaiLee until I have peace in my heart, but its absolutely a work in progress at this point. I think for so long I just bottled things up. I tried to forgive and forget and I did for a while, but everything came up all at once and its so much more than I can swallow. All of the emotions and pain I have been hiding for so long are finally right there and I can't ignore them anymore. I don't know how to work through them; unfortunately, if you don't take time to be hurt about things they have a way of coming back to you.
The other thing I really want to try and work on is my self esteem...right now its so gone its not even funny. I let people dictate my view of my self...I hate that about me. I try so hard to be someone that people like, someone that people are proud of, someone people genuinely enjoy spending time with and yet, it seems I always fall short of being enough. Why should other people's opinions matter; but, they do. Its hard to look at someone and think of all the things they have ever told you...to feel like when they look at me, all they see is a disappointment. I think especially when you try with someone...really really try, to make things work or you open yourself up as much as you can, in every way possible-and then that person decides they don't want any of it...that's when it hurts the most. That's when you start to realize that you aren't enough...and the rest follows like awful voices in your head that just won't go away. I start to feel overwhelmed with it all, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny or kind enough-not LOVEABLE enough. That's the hardest part to deal with.
Then, there are days where I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last year, and I feel really proud of myself. I falter, but I keep going...I fall, but I get back up...I am weak, but I am STRONG. Even after everything I have put myself through, and yes a lot of it was my choices and my self inflicted heartache, I still want so badly to believe in the magic and the beauty in life. I don't want to be this way forever, I know it will take some time to really heal; but, I hope one day I will be able to open my heart again and really let someone see me. One day I won't be afraid to show someone who I am, even if it means facing rejection because one day I will have my faith again-I hope so anyway.
I had this dream I have been thinking about lately...it was about five years into the future and I had my own family...it was and always will be me and KaiLee, but there was someone new too. It really helped me feel like its going to be okay because I really do believe there is someone out there waiting for me and KaiLee as much as we are waiting for him. And, one day we will all be together and I will be insanely happy. I will be able to let go of the past and truly move on. I think I might even be grateful at that point because every awful thing to happen will have taken me there and if I can get there, it will all be worth it.
On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if I am going to miss that opportunity because I am so afraid now. I wonder if holding on to the past and what could have been will hinder my future. Maybe I will never be there, but I will always have KaiLee. Its not the loneliness that hurts so much as worrying about her life and what will happen to her if I can't learn to get up from this one. If I can't look in the mirror and stop hating what I see. Right now, it just hurts so deeply. I can't go back, I don't ever want to either...there are too many things that have come up...to many underlying truths that will forever make me question trust, and honesty, and yes even love; but, I don't know how to move forward and believe that not everything...that not everyone will be the same.
KaiLee is my everything. I love her so much words cannot possibly describe my absolute joy and gratitude for her. I worry sometimes about her growing up. I don't ever want her to hurt...I know she will, I just wish I could save her from it. I want someone to love her unconditionally the way that I do...I also want to matter to her. I want to matter at all. I really want to be someone worth missing, someone that people WANT in their life. So many times I feel so...invisible I guess. I wonder how many people I am really helping, how many lives I am changing. I want to do more, I want to be more...I want to find me-the me I was meant to be. I don't want to be weak, and fragile, and sad all the time because I tried so damn hard to do the wrong things over and over again. Because I keep choosing to give my heart to the WRONG people.
I have seen who my real friends are through this whole thing, and to those of you I say thank you...truly thank you, from the bottom of my heart-for helping me through this. I know this is no where near the best years of my life (even with my beautiful KaiLee), I just have to be patient and trust that God will help me see his plan...even if it is different from what I expected. As for the in between, I will wait. I will have my good days, my sad days, my unbearably angry days, and my overwhelmingly loving days...but the point is I will FEEL again.
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