An Amazing Christmas Present

          This year for Christmas, my life was changed forever. I had the most beautiful miracle come into my life and I know I will never be the same. At 11:01 on December 20th, I became a Mom. She became mine...and I became hers. My life has already changed so much and it completely revolves around this new little person. Its amazing to think that everything I do is for her-its not about me anymore. Its a pretty cool feeling, but more than that, it is the ultimate gift. I sit and hold her and the more I stare at her the more amazed I am that this adorable little girl is really mine. She is my angel and I truly love her with all my heart. I never understood how much you could love someone until I held her for the first time and everything changed. My perspective about life has changed, my appreciation and love for my parents has grown and my gratitude has become immeasurable.
          That being said, labor was quite the experience. I went in at 7:00 in the morning and I wasn't sure what to expect. I remember the night before she was born just laying there...taking it all in and being almost a little sad that the experience of being pregnant was ending. It really is an incredible thing that bonds you to your baby in every possible way. I know its probably funny, but I miss my belly a little bit...feeling her move inside of me is something I really cherished. We walked in and just like that, everything started. They gave me the drugs to start everything and apparently I started having contractions-though I didn't actually feel them for a few hours. I was dilated to a three and slowly moved up as the hours passed. Unfortunately, I got a cold a few hours before I went into labor so I really couldn't breathe super great but I still knew I could do it without the epidural. The hours came and went and the contractions got harder...I dilated to a 7 1/2 and then we were stuck.
          My doctor decided I wasn't going to progress and my cervix was not thinning so it was time for a C-Section. I have never felt so scared in my life. I wanted to do whatever was best for my daughter but I was terrified. I did everything right...it was just bad luck. Before I knew it, I had the epidural and there I was on the operating table-only an hour before the world was "supposed to end". The pressure was a strange feeling-being awake for everything. I felt them push on my ribs as they were pulling the baby out but there was no pain. It seemed like five minutes and they were showing me this baby...this 8 pound 13 ounce, 21 1/2 inch long beautiful baby with so much dark hair and big blue eyes and my heart burst. Its almost like you forget that your reward for all this awful pain is a little baby just for you. They only showed her to me for five seconds and then they took her.
          Waiting was the hard part...waiting for them to sew me up so I could go and hold my daughter for the first time. It was a little frustrating knowing she was in the nursery and people had already seen her and I still hadn't really, but I finally got to hold her and my whole world changed. There is just one moment of so much emotion. Its like nothing I have ever felt. I fell in love and I knew that my life would be about her for the rest of eternity. I knew that anything she needed, I would find a way to get and that I would do absolutely anything to help her have all of the love, joy, and laughter that she deserves. It truly becomes wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Every time she coughs, or sneezes or cries, all I want to do is make it better and take away her pain. I want her to have everything. I love being the one person who gets to wake up with her at night and feed her, and change her, and take care of her.
          That being said, I have been so scared that I am the person in charge of her life right now. I am scared that I'm doing it wrong but I try to just be patient and loving and try my best. I was definitely never one of those girls who played with dolls when I was little and even putting on her little clothes is a new experience for me, but it only makes me appreciate her that much more. I also have come to LOVE and appreciate my Mom so much more than I ever thought I could. I feel so much for what I have put her through-simply because I never knew HOW MUCH she loves me. I love KaiLee with all of my heart and soul...with everything that I am and she has only been in my arms for twelve days...imagine how my Mom must feel when I have been her daughter for 21 years. It is a learning experience, but something that is worth every minute of the hardship.
          KaiLee had a few minor technicalities in the hospital and was allowed to come home with me for Christmas on certain conditions. She had to be under lights for her Jaundice and high bily ribon levels...that was probably harder for me than for her...although by the last day she was definitely ready to be done with the lights. I hated not being able to hold her and leaving her in the box. All I wanted to do was snuggle and cuddle my little baby girl but she was such a good baby. She has been a real gift to me and I truly thank God everyday for her. My life has changed, but maybet that's the point. Its hard not to think so deeply about everything that is happening and the sadness that comes with knowing some things will never be the same; but, I think maybe everything DOES happen for a reason...even if we don't know what its supposed to be. There are people who have judged me, laughed at me, ridiculed me and hurt me through this whole thing. I have lost those closest to me that I once called friends and I have been broken down a little bit; but, I think maybe that's the point.
          People are always going to let you down, that much is obvious; but, there are times-like this, when you find out who your real friends are...it becomes clear who truly cares about you and that's something that is necessary to find out-at least once in your life. It hurts to lose those that you thought would be there, but it makes the friendships that ARE still there that much stronger, and it makes you that much more grateful for the people who stand by your side. I have been surprised at the number of people who have judged me and written both KaiLee and I off, but I have come to realize that its their loss and with time my heart will heal and all will be okay. I want nothing but the best kinds of people who will love her unconditionally in our life and I am grateful to have found a few real people that I LOVE with all of my heart.
          KaiLee is my everything...my heart, my joy, my friend and MY daughter. This was hands down the BEST Christmas I have ever had. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of it and been supportive to us in anyway, we appreciate it more than you know. My heart is full <3 my happiness is great, and my daughter is my forever.