Memories

          Its funny how some things never really change. There are places I go and memories come flooding in; but, it really feels like I never left at all. Last week, I went to my little sister's choir concert at the one and only beautiful Roy High...my old stomping ground, and it was crazy to realize how little things had changed. The buildings of course are the same, but more than that its the whole environment. The teachers are the same, the music is the same, and the kids in High School are still the SAME. Technically they are different people but its easy to pick out the plastics of the group, the jocks, the one boy with his guitar, the girl who plays the piano...its all the same. For my sister, she is just barely experiencing it all (and of course she is sitting in a much different seat then I did), but a part of me was glad for her innocence.
          I was glad that she hasn't experienced any real TRUE pain yet. She hasn't had her heart broken or let herself be changed by the one boy who was supposed to be "the one." She hasn't let her life become defined by the status of her current relationship. Her best friend...the one she couldn't imagine life without, the one that she would never even picture living without hasn't left or given up on her yet. The quiet boy with the guitar that has so much talent hasn't committed suicide and left a hole in her life, and she still has faith and finds JOY in the little things. She isn't broken.
          I was such a different person in High School. When your going through it, it all feels a little surreal and you think that your life is being defined by everything that's happening. The most important decisions you make are which classes to take, what grades to get, which sports to try out for and which friends to pursue. The truth is, in five years none of it will really matter. Its only been three for me and I am already so different. I have had things happen in my life that have changed me and drastically changed my perspective. It seems truly ridiculous to think of the things that seemed so important back then...even the people. I think I sometimes tend to resent my sister for the happiness and utter ridiculous things that she has right now. I don't know if I'm just afraid it will all go away for her or if I just feel like she doesn't understand the way things really are; but, either way its crazy to see how much three years can change you.
          Honestly, its crazy how much one year can change you. College was the greatest time of my life and I really miss it a lot, everything about it: the classes, the teachers, the interaction, the roommates, the social life, and even the homework. I knew it wouldn't last forever but that is one adventure that helped me find joy and meaning in my life. When I moved to Colorado, I had NO idea how much my life would change...I had no idea how much I would change. Its hard to think back, even now and wonder what was the turning point for everything spiraling downward. At the beginning it was all new and fun...I had my brothers and my cousin and we all spent a lot of time together. As I began to meet new people, I was exposed to a lot of new things and gradually it all just fell apart.
          Its hard to think that my cousin and I have such different lives now. We were only twenty and nineteen when we moved out there...just roommates who shared a job and a life. Now, she is a wife and I'm about to become a Mom. I lost pieces of myself, I gave for the first time in my life. I really TRIED to be a person worth knowing and I really loved my life for a while. I made a lot of friends, I loved my job, and for a moment it felt like my life was exactly what I wanted it to be. As my brothers started to leave, and my cousin started to...shall we say "seriously date", I realized that nothing ever stays the same for very long. I tried to adapt and change along with my new life but I think it was all just too much too fast and I fell into a meaningless pattern. I was always a lot different than most of the people in Colorado and at the end, all I wanted was to fit in. I wanted to be normal and accepted...most people do I suppose; but, more than that, I just wanted to find love.
          A lot of people have always told me that I have fairytale ideas about love and what its supposed to be like. I never really wanted to be a princess, but I was very much overcome by the sweet, sappy, romantic notions that came with happily ever after. I believed that love could be just like my favorite book. I wanted the magic. It seemed so appealing...to find that one person who is not only your best friend, but the LOVE of your life...someone to come home to who makes you laugh, lets you cry, and stays by your side FOREVER. Of course stupidly enough, I wanted this to be a man...lets be realistic here! I guess what I've realized is that love doesn't come around everyday. Its rare and beautiful but most people don't know how to give it. I believe that love is a choice...a decision you make that changes everything-as it should.
          I'd like to think that everyone out there has the capacity to love...a huge heart ready and willing to TRY and at least make it work. I was let down in a big way, and I kind of learned to accept it; but, I have also learned that happily ever after isn't about riding off into the sunset with a prince. My life is different yes, but pretty soon, there will still be one person who I WILL love FOREVER, who will make me laugh and cry, someone to come home to and give my life meaning. It might not be the person I dreamed about, but somehow I think its even better.