Words...there are an infinite number and yet they all pretty much do the same thing. Verbs, adjectives and nouns all serve one purpose which is usually to describe. To describe how we feel, emotions, feelings, particular events or places..the list is endless. Why then, is it so difficult to find the words to describe our own feelings about things? You would think it would be easy...words are never ending. There are millions of words that all mean the same thing and yet there are some words people will just never-or rather can never say. It really is strange how words seem to change everything; although, sometimes it is the connotation or the timing that has the lasting effect. Yet, whenever there are important conversations that come up it always seems crucial to choose the right words. Of course how often does that actually work out for any of us...hardly ever does it seem that you can say what you want to say the way you want to say it-we're just not that lucky.
However, time doesn't really seem to help. There are still hundreds of times I think about what I should have said, and I still have no idea-possibly because I don't usually understand how I feel myself. How incredibly tricky words can be...And for that matter, why is it that some words mean so much more than others. I really wonder if the world would be such a traumatic place to live if people didn't just feed off of false words. So why do we do it? Well, desperation for one. I have been on both sides of it, and neither one leaves you feeling very good. There were times when I knew people didn't mean everything they said, but because it was nice to HEAR, I just went along with it...knowing they didn't really feel the same. On the other hand, there are those people who don't say anything at all and that can sometimes be hard to swallow too. It seems cruel. I don't really understand saying or doing things just because they are the "right" things to say or do. I would rather have someone be honest than to just lie over and over again.
There are millions of people like me though...mostly girls sure-who sometimes live off of hearing what we want to; and, consequently it can really bring on a LOT of unwanted heartache and pain once all of the glamor and sparkle fades away. When the blinds are removed and you can finally see the picture clearly, you start to wonder what it was you were looking at in the first place...everything seems SO different. I wish i was better with words. Every once in a while I feel like I accomplished most of what I wanted to; but, honestly its usually through my writing. There is something about writing that is magical. The words seem to flow...you don't have to think or pause or wonder what your feeling in order to write. It just comes. I truly love to write, I always have. I just wish I could be more effective in real conversation, maybe then I wouldn't be where I am now.
Talking to people is not as easy as it seems. What a basic skill it should be and yet for some people-namely me, its one that may take a lifetime to develop. I always wonder why I shy away from confrontation so much...to the point of letting people walk on me. That's not who I want to be, I just worry so much..about everything. I worry about how one conversation can change every aspect of a relationship. I wonder about putting my true feelings out there to be rejected, and I wonder about how I handle things on my own. People are always telling me not to let it bottle up and reach out...talk or something. But I"m just NOT like that. I don't open up to many people..and even then its only a little at a time (over a long period of time sometimes). But, the more you open up and make yourself vulnerable, and the more that trust becomes betrayed..the harder it is to open up at all. There are still people who know me the best that I still have a hard time opening up to all the way. Does it bother me? Yes. Why can't I seem to move past it? I don't know. It sucks though.
There are also times when it seems like words aren't needed...those are my FAVORITE times. Body language is pretty straight forward, but there is communication in eye contact (or rather lack of eye contact for some people) and in the way our actions are interpreted. Sometimes, when I can't find the words there are people who understand...I LOVE these people. I wish I was better gifted with words. I wish I could say what I really want to when I want to and not be so SO afraid that I let it stop me from opening my mouth at all. I just wish I was different. Its really strange for me to think about it honestly, because the truth is I wasn't always like that...I wonder what changed it or rather who changed it; but, I don't think it was one big event. I think slowly over time I let other things and other people dominate my thinking so much to the point of no return. Its strange how much of yourself you can lose when you try for so long to give give give and when someone continually takes, you wonder at the end of the day what you really have left to give YOURSELF. Right now-more often than not, I wonder what I have to give. I feel completely burned out and, the sad part is even after everything I learned (from the hard ways I learned them), sometimes I still feel like the same old hanging on words kind of girl.
I think that's fair in one aspect, I mean we all want to be loved and accepted-especially when things happen and you start to wonder if you really are. That feeling is just not fun. The more alone you feel, the easier it is to isolate yourself from everything and everyone around you; consequently, it becomes harder to reintegrate yourself later. I do feel pretty alone these days but I just wonder why it matters so much. Why do I feel compelled to need at all? Sure things happen and most of your friends show their true colors leaving you ... different. But, disappointment is just part of life. The good thing is, its usually pretty easy to ignore, or at least pretend to forget about; but, there are those ever so cruel and frequent reminders that leave us thinking...lingering on the thought of loneliness and pain. Its the little things..the things no one else notices that hurt the most, like watching other people do things you feel like you might never get to do or recognizing that your dreams...your life...your greatest moments may be behind you. There is nothing but expectations and pressure from everyone else because they don't see most of how I feel. I'm very good at that...at least with my own family. It seems appropriate to just dismiss it too because how can you ever begin to describe how deep the heartache goes, and for so many different reasons...its impossible. No one will ever understand.
The worst thing is though, sometimes you want to talk to someone but you have gotten so incredibly good at pushing people away that there's no one left...and in their defense, maybe they don't understand that you are reaching out-but it still hurts. The ridiculous thing is instead of actually trying, its much easier to just...hide. Why do we convince ourselves that it's easier to go through things alone rather than try to let someone else help? We all know that its not...what gives it away I wonder? Hm...the crying yourself to sleep every night, the withdrawn feeling always lurking or the realization that it doesn't really matter if you remember your phone in the morning or not-because no one calls anyway...truth is life is kinda brutal sometimes and you just have to smile through the pain. Its a valuable lesson...one I think eventually everyone will learn at one point or another, but one thing is for certain-I will understand EXACTLY how it feels.
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