The Tower

          I love to write...stories, feelings, thoughts, impressions...everything; but, lately it has been extremely difficult to find the words-any words. Mostly, its because I don't understand exactly how I'm feeling-not about anything, and that makes it hard to put into words. My life has changed a lot over the last month. Life is supposed to be about finding out who you are...but when is it ever that easy? 
          When I was a little girl, there was a park by my house. It was right next to the softball field I played on thousands of times. I went there countless times for my games, my cousin's games...practice's, and the list goes on. But, the significance of this park had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a tower. A tower to a child of course is nothing at all. I could climb up it in about one minute flat after all, how high could it have been? Except to me it was...a giant castle-my own personal haven. I used to sit up there and watch everyone else. The kids on the swings, the person at bat, the sound of the crowd, it all came from my tower. 
          I spent so much time watching other people and wondering about their lives, I started-even then-caring more about other people than myself. It was always much more fascinating to dream up a life or a personality for a stranger than to think about my ordinary life. For some reason, this month I have been thinking about that tower. I have been longing to return to a time when life was so simple...so private. Its no secret I'm not a stranger to mistakes; but, when your little it just doesn't matter...not the way it does now. 
          Focusing on myself is a hard thing for me. I try really hard to be a considerate, compassionate, and thoughtful person to others. It's much easier to worry about all of the other millions of problems in the world then to let all of my grief and my heartache consume me...so I hide it-I bury it. I always have. I let things bottle up and I deal with a lot on my own, in my own way; but, lately I have had to do a lot of self reflecting and its been hard to discover the coward I have become. Fear is such a pointless emotion. It consumes everything and everyone...it dictates decisions and action. The sad thing is, I'm still that little girl from the tower-at heart I'm still observing life from a safe point, instead of living it. 
          The challenge now, is learning to climb down from the tower and take control of myself and my life. No doubt its something I should have learned a while ago, but...better late than never-I hope.