I grew up in Utah...that much is obvious-at least to those people who know me; but, saying that entails so much more than my Colorado people realize. It means even from a young age, I wanted the fairy tale. The rest of the world thinks that marriage is more like an option rather than a priority...there is always "time later" to find someone and raise a family-AFTER. That stupid word drives me crazy...after I'm successful in my career, after I finish school, after I'm financially stable, and the list goes on. I don't understand why people continually put off the most important thing.And, for that matter, why is it that I'm continually criticized for wanting that. People here just don't understand...the only advice they have to offer is the reminder of my youth."Your only twenty...you have plenty of time." Great...downplay my heartache because I'm not old enough to supposedly know what "real love" is. Mostly all of my friends are married, engaged, or have kids; and, it's easy to feel lost in the shuffle...to feel like I'm being left behind because I haven't found that yet. It wasn't really on my mind until this last year, and for a minute I desperately wanted the security-the fulfillment, the joy that comes from having that one person you can tell everything to, laugh with, trust completely and cry with...forever and ever. And, because of that, I lost myself a little bit. I tried SO hard to make it work that I didn't care about all the little things that should matter. This year, I truly fell in love for the first time.
          Of course at first, nothing matters...there are no flaws to be seen, no fights to be had, and no tears to be shed. Its all stars and smiles...laughter fills up every day and the thought that it might not work never arises. There is never time to stop and consider that maybe that person won't feel the same. Everything I saw was beautiful...HE was beautiful. I have never truly opened my heart so much to one person and because of that, I wasn't cautious at all. I couldn't help but give the entire thing to him-the only person I ever have. Of course early on I didn't think it was love...mostly infatuation and giddiness; but, as time passed by and my complete and utter trust was dented, I realized there was nothing I wouldn't endure...nothing I wouldn't fight for...nothing I wouldn't do for him. This realization both thrilled and terrified me; but, instead of fight it I decided to just give in and go with it. Things happened, people came in between us, lies started flowing freely and soon I realized I was in love with a person who wasn't on the same page as me...not about anything. That hurt. Especially because as our time together decreased, as the text messages changed, as we grew apart...I realized I missed him in a way that nothing else could replace. The emptiness and loneliness I began to feel is indescribable. My heart was broken for the first time. No matter what I did, who I talked to, or what song I played, nothing changed that. I wasn't sure what to do-I had NO idea how to handle it. There are no rules, no guide, no recipe for eliminating the grief that comes from an ending. 
          It is a challenge to wake up every morning...sleep is the only escape and that's because in your dreams nothing has changed yet. When my eyes open, it all comes flooding back and the rush of devastation comes back all at once, knocking the breath out of me in one swift motion. Mediocre tasks try to keep me busy but the back of my mind is always thinking about how my heart has dropped out of my chest and it feels like it has honestly stopped beating. After seven days of crying my eyes out twenty four hours a day, I went into a music coma. Music is amazing. Everyone who knows me knows how much music can influence my mood, so naturally I listened to all of the heartbreak, heartache, sad, sappy, lonely, country songs and strangely...I found comfort. I realized that despite the fact that I was experiencing my first heartache, I was not going through it alone. Initially, its the sadness that overtakes you; but, after that wares off its the void that becomes the worst...the afterthought.
          Moving on is the absolute hardest part, trying to find someone new while the old person is still in your every move, every thought...then trying to reopen yourself up, re risk everything, learn to trust again. It's torture. Mostly, its discouraging and there seems no point in pursuing it at all. For me, I don't think that I will ever love anyone the way that I loved him. I resent him for that...a little; because, he never put it all out there the way I did. I am glad that I will never have to regret him knowing how I feel.  Then there's the awful comparison thing we all do...no one can make me laugh like him, no one's voice can sooth me like him, no one else is HIM. How could I want anyone else? So I'm stuck. I can't move on-mostly because I don't want to...but I don't like being in love with a stranger. People change-sometimes we watch it happen and we wish we could stop it, or change it somehow; but, we can't. 
          For the first time in my life, I don't want the fairy tale...I don't want just one person to trust or talk to, I don't even want a relationship. Mostly? Because I can't do it anymore. I'm broken. I'm not sure if it will ever change-though I hope in time my desire for love will rekindle the way it once was. We all start out fresh, new...untouched-then when real life hits and slowly our faith starts to slip away. I was a believer...until I met him. Now, I don't know if I was ever meant to be loved. I feel as if I can only give so much...I don't ask for much, I don't need much to get by; but, I need a little and right now I am out for the count. I wanted to play the game; but, the game played me...and I can't help but think that I can't EVER let that happen to me EVER again. I will never give someone the opportunity to hurt me-not the way he did. So I have decided that maybe Colorado is right...in her own way. Maybe Utah experiences too many fairy tale's to understand why Colorado puts everything else first. Living here has helped me understand why people are so selfish...they're just afraid. So really, they aren't waiting until after their career starts...or after they are financially stable...they are waiting until AFTER their heart heals enough from the first time. Now, for me, there is nothing left to do but wait.