We Really Said Goodbye...

          Well, it happened...it really did. Yesterday we said goodbye and she is really gone. It was a pretty overwhelming experience. The whole room was filled with people...all kinds of people. I had never seen so many people. I sat there and listened to stories, and poems, and music-I couldn't help but wonder if she only knew how MANY people cared about her if things could have turned out differently. She brought joy to so many people and she truly was beautiful on the inside and out. Even now, I can't think of her and not see her gorgeous smile...hear her little Jenna laugh and just feel happy. She cared about people. She really made everything so much better. Her life and the person she was enriched the lives of everyone who knew her. She was truly easy to love and hard to let go. Seeing her made everything a lot more real, but sometimes I still feel like she is going to wake up, walk in the door and it will all go away. Truly a tragedy, her family was crushed. I never heard her say one negative thing about anyone else and she really was an amazing example of love and compassion. She had one of those rare hearts...she was a special person. The kind of person we all strive to be. There is so much to be learned from her short years. Maybe she was a gift...a present from God so that for a little while she could stop the hurting and bring a new perspective to light. I love this girl and I will truly miss her. 
          When things like this happen, I can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to learn from it. If everything truly happens for a reason, what is the reason for this. Talking to her Mom leaves me with a vague idea of how awful it would be to outlive your child...but more than that to outlive them because they took their own life. All of the feelings that come associated with it: guilt, regret, love, depression. She was loved so much; but, I guess sometimes love just isn't enough. I have never actually believed that until now. She knew there were people who loved her and it didn't change things for her. Jenna knew her family adored her, she knew despite the problems she was facing that her husband loved her...and she knew we loved her. Death is an impossible thing to deal with in general, but I think its the timing that leaves us devastated. If Jenna hadn't been twenty-seven maybe it wouldn't hurt quite so much. If she had gotten to live past the hard stuff. Its supposed to get better. I wish that she had made it that far. Still, I do hope with all of my heart that she has found her peace and is happy now. I hope all of her insecurities, fears, and worries have melted away and that she is healed.
          Thinking about her doesn't seem so sad, all of the memories are happy...its thinking about the rest of life without her that's tricky. How do you go on without someone when they have been a great part of your life? How do you not miss her for the big stuff...weddings, babies, shopping, movies, going out to lunch. Its not something I'm likely to forget anytime soon. She will always be in my mind and my heart and I truly am so grateful I was able to meet her and be a part of her life in any way at all. Losing someone so close to you makes you wonder what kind of person you are though. I strive to develop more patience, MORE kindness, I want to let people know that they DO matter. I wish everyone had a friend. I wish that love could conquer all. I think now especially, its so important to try harder. To try to reach out to those who are hurting and find a way to make laughter help heal all. I also think its really crucial to forgive...something I am working on. Something I wish I could let go of, something that can really eat away at you if you let it. How do you forgive and forget though...How do you find the people who are hurting when they seem so genuinely happy. I guess its about finding a way past the act. Its hard to think about all of the people who knew Jenna, who loved her, and who had NO idea she was hurting SO much. For now, I'm choosing to remember her as a blessing and a gift...I'm choosing to be thankful for the time we did have together, and I'm choosing to never forget. Thank you beautiful Jenna for your life, for your friendship and for your compassion. You will never know how much of a difference you have made for me.

I LOVE YOU...