Life is full of lessons. Some we learn the easy way...other's the hard way. But no matter what, something we can all agree on is that experience is the greatest, worst, best, most awful and most permanent teacher. I'm one of those people who apparently chooses to learn most things firsthand-aka the hard way. I'm not sure why; but, watching other experiences or hearing about them isn't something that makes a long lasting impression on my choices. I am a sensitive person. Those who know me best know that I have a very tender heart. I believe there is a difference between having sympathy and pity. I don't feel sorry for others, I just try to understand other people's perspective. When the situation calls for it, I try to have empathy for people around me. I believe in compassion. I try to see the things that most people miss. When you look at me, I see you. I believe that every person is important, rare, and beautiful in their own way and that we all have something amazing to offer. Potential is everlasting. Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way and there are people who will take advantage of people like me...I think its because they view me as 'weak.' BUT...something I just learned is that I'M the strong one.
I never understood why there are certain situations or challenges that turn people into monsters. Honestly, I always kind of felt like taking your pain out on everyone around you was a very selfish thing to do. Lately though, I have started to understand why some people are the way they are. I believe we all start out good. Innocence is lost with adolescence and childhood fades, but life molds us into who we are. I think people don't always choose to be bitter or spiteful...but it happens just the same. You can't always choose the way you react to the heartache and trial's life will bring you, but the key is to try and remember that nothing can fully control you without your consent. Life is NOT fair. Some people have it so much worse than others, but everyone has their own brand of challenges. Without suffering, there would be no learning.
With every relationship, there comes a risk...even in a friendship. It requires you to open up and TRUST the other person. When that trust is betrayed, we unconsciously give less and less of ourselves to the new people that come into our life. It's not their fault-but they get the bad end because of the wrong that was done earlier. It becomes harder and harder to give-truly and honestly of your heart. It's a sad thing, but true nonetheless. It seems like a coward move if you think about it; because, it's just allowing the pain to dictate your life. Pain is a funny thing. When its cuts deep it truly seems impossible to ignore. It consumes every thought, define's every action and inevitably carries fear into our heart. When I decide I'm hurt, it's not something I can easily separate myself from. I have a hard time stepping back from it because I feel it in everything I do. I catch it in my breath, i feel it when I walk, I go to sleep crying and wake up hiding. I can't ever face it. I feel the absence of joy and the silence seems so loud, it feels like my head might explode. My heartache goes deep. My friends used to say that I feel things differently than most people-more intensely. I don't know if it's true, but I think its safe to say I put my whole heart into everything I do-everything I feel. Right now, my heart is hurting and it is very apparent in EVERY thing I do.
Hate is an awful thing. We blame other people for bad things that come into our life. I think it's easier for people to find a reason to be angry instead of to deal with their grief. When it comes to love, we choose to hate each other when things go wrong; probably because its easier than admitting to our own faults. Age is such a tricky thing. People judge you based on your age. No one knows exactly what has happened in your life, but they assume that because your young-heartache and pain is a foreign concept. I've always had a really hard time with this way of thinking. Since when is there an age limit to misery, since when does tragedy have a timeline? What is the 'right age' to start feeling things in a way that is acceptable in other people's eyes? I may only be twenty years old, but when I'm sad DON'T belittle my pain...don't downplay my heartache. My pain is mine-it's real to me. It may not be like what you have felt and it may not be life changing; but, it's there...and I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. Someone telling me that my pain doesn't exist is not only annoying, it's cruel. Revenge is pointless. It never actually helps you feel better. I'm not a person who seeks to do harm to those who have done me wrong. I don't wish bad on anyone-no exceptions. I want my friends to be happy. If someone has hurt me, that's something I have to deal with. They need to find their own way to be happy and I wish that for them.
Despite what obstacles come my way, I will always find a way to overcome. It may take a while, but I WILL forgive. I will move on...I will find a way to laugh again. And I will be better because of what I learned. I will be more understanding, more guarded sure...but always stronger. I am a survivor.
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