I am 22 years old and in the last three months I have started to learn exactly what that means. When I think back to my High School years, I feel so different, older, more mature, more grown up; but, when I look ahead to my future in some ways I know I'm just beginning. I have learned so much from my beautiful daughter and I am so grateful for all the lessons she gives me-every single day. She brings the magic back into my life, she makes ordinary things more enchanting and she redefines the word love. Love to me has always been more of a choice than an actual emotion...I will choose to love you, to commit to you, to be there for you because of how much I care. I know there are a lot of things I don't know about love, but the one thing KaiLee has shown me time and time again is that true love is unconditional. There are no terms, no circumstances, no accomplishments that change or define love, its simply a feeling that will last truly forever-no matter what happens.
I definitely think the kind of love you have for a child-especially your own child is much different than the love you share with other people, but it helps to magnify that intense joy that can really open your heart to a new way of feeling. Never did I know you could love so deeply, care so genuinely or believe so strongly. KaiLee has given me faith, in life, in myself and yes in love. After she was born, my life became about so much more than me. It became about her and the things that she brought into my life have really changed me for the better. She helps me find hope. She makes me want better...better for me, better for our lives....especially better for her.
Have you ever found something in your life that you wanted...really truly wanted more than anything? Its a surreal feeling to know when something is right and realize that fighting for it will be the best adventure of all. Its such a hard emotion to describe. In some ways, it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do-and the idea of losing is terrifying, but in other ways the idea of it, the feelings associated with the victory, bring you so much happiness you just know there is no other choice. There are things in life I've wanted sure, but there has never been anything so important as the future of my daughter. I do think sometimes I tend to be selfish and want things for myself but most of all I want what's best for her. I want her to feel the kind of love I have for her in all aspects of her life. I want there to be so many people around her that have that love for her that she never doubts her self worth, her importance, or her value in my life.
I do think since my daughter has come into my life that I have felt things more deeply. I think its because life has tended to feel more long term than temporary and petty. The things that really matter, the people that really matter they are engraved in my heart-truly and deeply. I feel overwhelming love and gratitude for them and I want to do everything I can to help those people develop a KaiLee like love. If only everyone I loved could feel how MUCH I care. Words don't ever seem to adequately express my true appreciation for my friends and my desire to make those feelings last forever. I still believe in beating the odds, I still believe in overcoming what others think might never work, and I still believe somehow all the hang ups will fade away for the things that really matter. I can't...I won't stop believing that true happiness not only exists but is reachable.
The biggest thing I have learned is that nothing will ever happen the way that you want, even when we get things we want they tend to be in different ways than we pictured. Should it mean that we shouldn't still wish for the best? No. But, it does mean sometimes you have to learn to compromise and realize that the alternative can still bring you just as much happiness and joy-if you allow it to. Expectations just make everything grey. It takes the black and white out of the easy decisions because we want to bend things to make them fit better in our minds. The thing that I have feared the most lately is that I might be cheating myself out of amazing opportunities because they aren't what I expected or hoped for right away. I want love in my life. I think I always will. Does it mean that it has to be the traditional kind...same as everyone else kind of love? Not a chance. If I find the real thing, I want to stay as close to it as I can-for as long as I can. I want there to be no expectations or pressures about it. I just want to be grateful for feeling it at all.
More than anything, I want my daughter to know that its okay to fall in love. Its okay to have your heart broken again and again fighting for what you want...for what you believe in-that its okay to feel whatever you know is right even if it means disappointing someone. And, above all, to know that no love is wasted. I want her to be able to learn from the past but hope for the future and do whatever it is that makes her happy. I don't want her to feel like she has to bend to society or what other people think is appropriate. I don't want to label anyone she loves. I don't care who it is, as long as he treats her with respect and loves her the way she deserves. I want her to find her own twisted average fairytale or nightmare all on her own. I want her to be a fighter...the way that I couldn't for a long time. I want her to be strong, to stand up for what she believes in and know that if she wants it enough, she can find a way to make it happen. I want her to know that not everything is easy but the most difficult things of all can bring the best rewards. I want her to know that everything I've learned that matters in life, I've learned from my baby girl.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
KaiLee's New Friend
This month I got a nephew and he is wonderful and beautiful. It sure is different getting to be the Aunt instead of the Mom. Its amazing how much time has gone by since the first time I held my little angel in my arms. Its been eight months already, more like nine; but, in reality it feels like time is zooming by and it has been both challenging and rewarding. In some ways, everyday KaiLee grows is more and more fun-we have new adventures and she is so aware of things around her. She can roll over, sit up, almost crawl, talk, and yet she knows nothing of the real world this far. In other ways I feel as if the most precious of moments with her have already gone and she is becoming this little personality that I won't be able to protect forever. Of course the thought is terrifying but its also exciting to experience as her Mother. What a joy my little bug has brought to my life.
Lately I have had a hard time trying to define myself as a person instead of just a Mother but in a lot of ways, my most favorite things about myself have to do with that role. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and I am grateful now more than ever for the decision I made to keep her. My life is anything but ordinary...non-traditional, exceptionally challenging at times, but its also really full and brings me so much fulfillment that at times I can barely breathe. There are little moments where I catch my breath looking at or listening to my daughter and I'm so full of pride I think my heart might burst. I am and always will be so proud to be her Mommy.
KaiLee is in everyway magic. She enchants me. She is so special and so beautiful and sometimes I feel like she can take care of me more than I can take care of her. I think we help each other but I know I would be no where near where I have finally come to be without her. She makes everything go from black and white to color and I feel like having her in my life helps me to actually experience it more fully. The truth is a lot of time we tend to coast...to be on auto pilot and try to just get through the days instead of really taking an opportunity to appreciate every stage that we're in (even when some of them are places we never really want to go back to). There still comes a certain pride in knowing that during the hardest and worst times, there were still tender mercies that helped to heal the pain.
This week has been truly a blessing for me and my precious daughter. For one, I have actually gotten to take a vacation and spend all day everyday with my girl for about nine days straight-makes me resent working sometimes; but, also we have had a really incredible stay in our little September break. In general, there are certain things that have changed since I had KaiLee-this much is obvious I know, but in other ways there are subtle differences that tend to sneak up on me. I never really noticed but sometimes I get nervous for my old friends to meet KaiLee...you know the ones who knew me before I was "Brittany the Mom." Its easy to meet new people, to introduce myself, to redesign who I am and say that I have an eight month old daughter-that's cake because that is my life now. But, being around my old life and making that transition of who I was to who I am tends to confuse me sometimes.
That being said, for some reason I was really scared about coming back and having one of my closest friends meet KaiLee and see firsthand the differences between me as a person and me as a Mother. I was never worried or ashamed of KaiLee, I knew that whoever was fortunate enough to meet her would be just as in love and just as captivated by those sparkling blue eyes. She tends to have that effect on the people around her. I think she is a perfect example of believing in something bigger than yourself. She just gives me hope.
In a lot of ways, being here right now has been more than I could have hoped for as KaiLee has definitely found herself a new friend and ally; but, I have also rediscovered why my best friend is my best friend and come to a new appreciation for the two people that continues to make my life better. Its a strange thing to be nervous for the one person who was actually there through the entire process to see the end result. I mean come on...the person who knew more about KaiLee before she was KaiLee than maybe anyone. Now, things have taken such a pleasant turn that my heart feels more full and more grateful than it has in a long time. I think God sends you people exactly when you need them and the rest is up to you.
So many times there are people coming and going from our lives. When you find someone that you want to really stay in it, it becomes a trial and a blessing. Its an opportunity but a commitment. Ultimately, fate may lay people in our paths but we decide who stays, who go's, and who matters. Luckily, I have the greatest kinds of people that DO matter to me and my heart melts to know that KaiLee has so many people who love her. Seeing people with children shows real character...it says a lot about a person. That being said, its pretty amazing that someone who has never met KaiLee could come into her life and in such a short time become such an important part. Its a special thing to have a friend so close to your heart you just know they will be around for the most important times. What a difference one person can make. At the end of the day, I think its safe to say that KaiLee has some sort of understanding of what it means to have a best friend-after all, she has at least one more now.
Lately I have had a hard time trying to define myself as a person instead of just a Mother but in a lot of ways, my most favorite things about myself have to do with that role. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and I am grateful now more than ever for the decision I made to keep her. My life is anything but ordinary...non-traditional, exceptionally challenging at times, but its also really full and brings me so much fulfillment that at times I can barely breathe. There are little moments where I catch my breath looking at or listening to my daughter and I'm so full of pride I think my heart might burst. I am and always will be so proud to be her Mommy.
KaiLee is in everyway magic. She enchants me. She is so special and so beautiful and sometimes I feel like she can take care of me more than I can take care of her. I think we help each other but I know I would be no where near where I have finally come to be without her. She makes everything go from black and white to color and I feel like having her in my life helps me to actually experience it more fully. The truth is a lot of time we tend to coast...to be on auto pilot and try to just get through the days instead of really taking an opportunity to appreciate every stage that we're in (even when some of them are places we never really want to go back to). There still comes a certain pride in knowing that during the hardest and worst times, there were still tender mercies that helped to heal the pain.
This week has been truly a blessing for me and my precious daughter. For one, I have actually gotten to take a vacation and spend all day everyday with my girl for about nine days straight-makes me resent working sometimes; but, also we have had a really incredible stay in our little September break. In general, there are certain things that have changed since I had KaiLee-this much is obvious I know, but in other ways there are subtle differences that tend to sneak up on me. I never really noticed but sometimes I get nervous for my old friends to meet KaiLee...you know the ones who knew me before I was "Brittany the Mom." Its easy to meet new people, to introduce myself, to redesign who I am and say that I have an eight month old daughter-that's cake because that is my life now. But, being around my old life and making that transition of who I was to who I am tends to confuse me sometimes.
That being said, for some reason I was really scared about coming back and having one of my closest friends meet KaiLee and see firsthand the differences between me as a person and me as a Mother. I was never worried or ashamed of KaiLee, I knew that whoever was fortunate enough to meet her would be just as in love and just as captivated by those sparkling blue eyes. She tends to have that effect on the people around her. I think she is a perfect example of believing in something bigger than yourself. She just gives me hope.
In a lot of ways, being here right now has been more than I could have hoped for as KaiLee has definitely found herself a new friend and ally; but, I have also rediscovered why my best friend is my best friend and come to a new appreciation for the two people that continues to make my life better. Its a strange thing to be nervous for the one person who was actually there through the entire process to see the end result. I mean come on...the person who knew more about KaiLee before she was KaiLee than maybe anyone. Now, things have taken such a pleasant turn that my heart feels more full and more grateful than it has in a long time. I think God sends you people exactly when you need them and the rest is up to you.
So many times there are people coming and going from our lives. When you find someone that you want to really stay in it, it becomes a trial and a blessing. Its an opportunity but a commitment. Ultimately, fate may lay people in our paths but we decide who stays, who go's, and who matters. Luckily, I have the greatest kinds of people that DO matter to me and my heart melts to know that KaiLee has so many people who love her. Seeing people with children shows real character...it says a lot about a person. That being said, its pretty amazing that someone who has never met KaiLee could come into her life and in such a short time become such an important part. Its a special thing to have a friend so close to your heart you just know they will be around for the most important times. What a difference one person can make. At the end of the day, I think its safe to say that KaiLee has some sort of understanding of what it means to have a best friend-after all, she has at least one more now.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Happy Birthday Dad :)
Dad is a special word for
an angel from above
A gentle, caring, friend
who's there and always shares his love
A person who will laugh
and teach, be there through trials too
Someone who will always
care-no matter what you do
My Father is my
everything, my example and my light
He always helps me see
what's best and helps me choose the right
He brings my life such joy
and can always make me smile
My life means more because
of him...I feel like I'm worthwhile
My Dad he shows me
everything and forever helps me to be
The daughter that he's
proud of, the best and only me
I've learned a thing or
two in my time with him you see
So I'll always value his
advice-even when we don't agree
With my Father on my side,
I know there's nothing I can't defeat
Because being on his team
means having the ultimate box seat
There are many ways I'm
like him and for that I'm very proud
Because my Dad and all his
quirks, they just stand out in a crowd
He works hard for our
family and has always helped me know
That experiences aren't
always great but still help you to grow
His faith-it is
incredible, he believes with all his heart
And that's something I can
count on, even when we are apart
Dad's help with so many
things that its hard to name them all
But I'm awfully sure
without him very fast I'd start to fall
So many things to say
thank you for, so much to appreciate
And there is no better way
than just to say my Father's GREAT.
I love you Dad will my
heart and I will no matter what
Because I know you'll
always pull me out of each and every rut.
Happy Birthday dear
friend, I just wanted to say
That I hope you have an
extra, super special day.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Running Rain
I have always loved to write...it seems to help me figure out what I'm feeling and how much I'm feeling; but, lately I just haven't been able to find the words. I think its because I'm not sure exactly how I have been feeling, unable to describe my emotions and my thoughts. I spent a lot of time thinking about things while I was driving home from Colorado last week. The drive was beautiful and clear...so many trees and colors, but there came one spot where the rain was beating down and the sky became so dark I could barely see anything at all. I drove for about ten minutes and all of a sudden everything was clear and light again. It made me think of life and how the dark spots feel like so much of our time while we are going through them, but in the grand scheme of things they are only just a minute of madness.
Every storm eventually runs out of rain and looking back all you can see is the darkness until you drive long enough to forget and move on. I haven't been able to stop looking back I think that's been a huge part of my problem, I can't see past the dark. Even though my rain has finally stopped, I'm still dealing with the effects of the storm. When I drove out of the black, there was a huge hill in front of me and it seemed so long and so steep and yet while I was on it, I hardly noticed the incline at all. I do that sometimes in life I think....I look at the whole thing and get so discouraged that I don't realize how strong I am while I'm on that journey.
There is a song I heard driving the other day that pretty much describes exactly how I have been feeling. This is a little bit of it...
so your standin' in the middle of the thunder and lightnin'
i know you're feelin' like you just can win but your tryin'
its hard to keep on keepin' on when your being pushed around
dont even know which way is up you just keep spinning down
every storm runs, runs out of rain
just like every dark night turns into day
every heartache will fade away
just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
so hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
and walk out that door
go find a new rose, don't be affraid of the thorns
cause we all have thorns
just put your feet up to the edge, put you face in the wind
and when you fall back down keep on rememberin'
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that eventually the pain will stop and the sadness...the feeling of betrayal and maybe one day with time I can even learn to trust again. The biggest thing I have learned this year is that there is no cure for heartache. Sometimes you just have to go through it. No distraction, no excuse, especially no amount of time spent avoiding those feelings will make them fade away; and, some will take longer than others. As much as it sucks, you just have to wait out the storm because the rain will run out.
Every storm eventually runs out of rain and looking back all you can see is the darkness until you drive long enough to forget and move on. I haven't been able to stop looking back I think that's been a huge part of my problem, I can't see past the dark. Even though my rain has finally stopped, I'm still dealing with the effects of the storm. When I drove out of the black, there was a huge hill in front of me and it seemed so long and so steep and yet while I was on it, I hardly noticed the incline at all. I do that sometimes in life I think....I look at the whole thing and get so discouraged that I don't realize how strong I am while I'm on that journey.
There is a song I heard driving the other day that pretty much describes exactly how I have been feeling. This is a little bit of it...
so your standin' in the middle of the thunder and lightnin'
i know you're feelin' like you just can win but your tryin'
its hard to keep on keepin' on when your being pushed around
dont even know which way is up you just keep spinning down
every storm runs, runs out of rain
just like every dark night turns into day
every heartache will fade away
just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
so hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
and walk out that door
go find a new rose, don't be affraid of the thorns
cause we all have thorns
just put your feet up to the edge, put you face in the wind
and when you fall back down keep on rememberin'
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that eventually the pain will stop and the sadness...the feeling of betrayal and maybe one day with time I can even learn to trust again. The biggest thing I have learned this year is that there is no cure for heartache. Sometimes you just have to go through it. No distraction, no excuse, especially no amount of time spent avoiding those feelings will make them fade away; and, some will take longer than others. As much as it sucks, you just have to wait out the storm because the rain will run out.
Monday, March 25, 2013
ME, ME, ME
I've been thinking a lot about myself lately...okay that sounds selfish, I just mean me as a person. Am I the person I always wanted to be, or have I fallen short based on decisions and actions I have made? In a lot of ways, sometimes I feel really inadequate and down about my life. On the other hand, the last year of my life has definitely taught me that I am a survivor and I can do anything I need to in my life. Its been a real blessing to know that no matter what happens, I can rely on me. I can support KaiLee and while I may want help, I don't actually need it...I can do it alone, because I have. I can stand up on my own feet and figure things out even in the hardest and saddest times.
Emotionally I do feel like I am a little broken. I tend to be all over the place...I have felt things so intensely-maybe its the baby hormones but it just seems like all my feelings are magnified. The worst thing for me lately has been anger...I really hate it but I can't seem to let go of it. I'm so angry ALL THE TIME. I feel bitter, I feel resentful, I feel alone. I'm so stuck on the "it's not fair" crap that it really seems to be affecting my whole self. I know I can't be the best Mom for KaiLee until I have peace in my heart, but its absolutely a work in progress at this point. I think for so long I just bottled things up. I tried to forgive and forget and I did for a while, but everything came up all at once and its so much more than I can swallow. All of the emotions and pain I have been hiding for so long are finally right there and I can't ignore them anymore. I don't know how to work through them; unfortunately, if you don't take time to be hurt about things they have a way of coming back to you.
The other thing I really want to try and work on is my self esteem...right now its so gone its not even funny. I let people dictate my view of my self...I hate that about me. I try so hard to be someone that people like, someone that people are proud of, someone people genuinely enjoy spending time with and yet, it seems I always fall short of being enough. Why should other people's opinions matter; but, they do. Its hard to look at someone and think of all the things they have ever told you...to feel like when they look at me, all they see is a disappointment. I think especially when you try with someone...really really try, to make things work or you open yourself up as much as you can, in every way possible-and then that person decides they don't want any of it...that's when it hurts the most. That's when you start to realize that you aren't enough...and the rest follows like awful voices in your head that just won't go away. I start to feel overwhelmed with it all, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny or kind enough-not LOVEABLE enough. That's the hardest part to deal with.
Then, there are days where I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last year, and I feel really proud of myself. I falter, but I keep going...I fall, but I get back up...I am weak, but I am STRONG. Even after everything I have put myself through, and yes a lot of it was my choices and my self inflicted heartache, I still want so badly to believe in the magic and the beauty in life. I don't want to be this way forever, I know it will take some time to really heal; but, I hope one day I will be able to open my heart again and really let someone see me. One day I won't be afraid to show someone who I am, even if it means facing rejection because one day I will have my faith again-I hope so anyway.
I had this dream I have been thinking about lately...it was about five years into the future and I had my own family...it was and always will be me and KaiLee, but there was someone new too. It really helped me feel like its going to be okay because I really do believe there is someone out there waiting for me and KaiLee as much as we are waiting for him. And, one day we will all be together and I will be insanely happy. I will be able to let go of the past and truly move on. I think I might even be grateful at that point because every awful thing to happen will have taken me there and if I can get there, it will all be worth it.
On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if I am going to miss that opportunity because I am so afraid now. I wonder if holding on to the past and what could have been will hinder my future. Maybe I will never be there, but I will always have KaiLee. Its not the loneliness that hurts so much as worrying about her life and what will happen to her if I can't learn to get up from this one. If I can't look in the mirror and stop hating what I see. Right now, it just hurts so deeply. I can't go back, I don't ever want to either...there are too many things that have come up...to many underlying truths that will forever make me question trust, and honesty, and yes even love; but, I don't know how to move forward and believe that not everything...that not everyone will be the same.
KaiLee is my everything. I love her so much words cannot possibly describe my absolute joy and gratitude for her. I worry sometimes about her growing up. I don't ever want her to hurt...I know she will, I just wish I could save her from it. I want someone to love her unconditionally the way that I do...I also want to matter to her. I want to matter at all. I really want to be someone worth missing, someone that people WANT in their life. So many times I feel so...invisible I guess. I wonder how many people I am really helping, how many lives I am changing. I want to do more, I want to be more...I want to find me-the me I was meant to be. I don't want to be weak, and fragile, and sad all the time because I tried so damn hard to do the wrong things over and over again. Because I keep choosing to give my heart to the WRONG people.
I have seen who my real friends are through this whole thing, and to those of you I say thank you...truly thank you, from the bottom of my heart-for helping me through this. I know this is no where near the best years of my life (even with my beautiful KaiLee), I just have to be patient and trust that God will help me see his plan...even if it is different from what I expected. As for the in between, I will wait. I will have my good days, my sad days, my unbearably angry days, and my overwhelmingly loving days...but the point is I will FEEL again.
Emotionally I do feel like I am a little broken. I tend to be all over the place...I have felt things so intensely-maybe its the baby hormones but it just seems like all my feelings are magnified. The worst thing for me lately has been anger...I really hate it but I can't seem to let go of it. I'm so angry ALL THE TIME. I feel bitter, I feel resentful, I feel alone. I'm so stuck on the "it's not fair" crap that it really seems to be affecting my whole self. I know I can't be the best Mom for KaiLee until I have peace in my heart, but its absolutely a work in progress at this point. I think for so long I just bottled things up. I tried to forgive and forget and I did for a while, but everything came up all at once and its so much more than I can swallow. All of the emotions and pain I have been hiding for so long are finally right there and I can't ignore them anymore. I don't know how to work through them; unfortunately, if you don't take time to be hurt about things they have a way of coming back to you.
The other thing I really want to try and work on is my self esteem...right now its so gone its not even funny. I let people dictate my view of my self...I hate that about me. I try so hard to be someone that people like, someone that people are proud of, someone people genuinely enjoy spending time with and yet, it seems I always fall short of being enough. Why should other people's opinions matter; but, they do. Its hard to look at someone and think of all the things they have ever told you...to feel like when they look at me, all they see is a disappointment. I think especially when you try with someone...really really try, to make things work or you open yourself up as much as you can, in every way possible-and then that person decides they don't want any of it...that's when it hurts the most. That's when you start to realize that you aren't enough...and the rest follows like awful voices in your head that just won't go away. I start to feel overwhelmed with it all, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny or kind enough-not LOVEABLE enough. That's the hardest part to deal with.
Then, there are days where I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last year, and I feel really proud of myself. I falter, but I keep going...I fall, but I get back up...I am weak, but I am STRONG. Even after everything I have put myself through, and yes a lot of it was my choices and my self inflicted heartache, I still want so badly to believe in the magic and the beauty in life. I don't want to be this way forever, I know it will take some time to really heal; but, I hope one day I will be able to open my heart again and really let someone see me. One day I won't be afraid to show someone who I am, even if it means facing rejection because one day I will have my faith again-I hope so anyway.
I had this dream I have been thinking about lately...it was about five years into the future and I had my own family...it was and always will be me and KaiLee, but there was someone new too. It really helped me feel like its going to be okay because I really do believe there is someone out there waiting for me and KaiLee as much as we are waiting for him. And, one day we will all be together and I will be insanely happy. I will be able to let go of the past and truly move on. I think I might even be grateful at that point because every awful thing to happen will have taken me there and if I can get there, it will all be worth it.
On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if I am going to miss that opportunity because I am so afraid now. I wonder if holding on to the past and what could have been will hinder my future. Maybe I will never be there, but I will always have KaiLee. Its not the loneliness that hurts so much as worrying about her life and what will happen to her if I can't learn to get up from this one. If I can't look in the mirror and stop hating what I see. Right now, it just hurts so deeply. I can't go back, I don't ever want to either...there are too many things that have come up...to many underlying truths that will forever make me question trust, and honesty, and yes even love; but, I don't know how to move forward and believe that not everything...that not everyone will be the same.
KaiLee is my everything. I love her so much words cannot possibly describe my absolute joy and gratitude for her. I worry sometimes about her growing up. I don't ever want her to hurt...I know she will, I just wish I could save her from it. I want someone to love her unconditionally the way that I do...I also want to matter to her. I want to matter at all. I really want to be someone worth missing, someone that people WANT in their life. So many times I feel so...invisible I guess. I wonder how many people I am really helping, how many lives I am changing. I want to do more, I want to be more...I want to find me-the me I was meant to be. I don't want to be weak, and fragile, and sad all the time because I tried so damn hard to do the wrong things over and over again. Because I keep choosing to give my heart to the WRONG people.
I have seen who my real friends are through this whole thing, and to those of you I say thank you...truly thank you, from the bottom of my heart-for helping me through this. I know this is no where near the best years of my life (even with my beautiful KaiLee), I just have to be patient and trust that God will help me see his plan...even if it is different from what I expected. As for the in between, I will wait. I will have my good days, my sad days, my unbearably angry days, and my overwhelmingly loving days...but the point is I will FEEL again.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Lunchbox Days
Last week I overheard a conversation between two sixteen year old girls, they were talking about qualities that they like in boys. The conversation was light enough...certainly predictable but it got me wondering about how the answers change . In first grade, boys have cooties. In Jr. High the twitterpated note writing phase starts and high school brings infatuation; so, how old do you have to be to fall in love? How "mature" do you have to be before your love is REAL? When I was little, all boys were good for was soccer and opening the lid on peanut butter jars. Then it started to become exciting and new...there was something really light and fun about flirting and feeling important for the first time.
My first real relationship was mostly about the label...I had a boyfriend and oh how wonderful it was. We talked on the phone, we went out for ice cream, went to the football games together, and we even got to cuddle-bonus. Our relationship wasn't about anything real...it was based on attraction and infatuation. It was nice to be noticed, to feel beautiful and important-just for being myself. I have to be honest it was more about the way I got to feel about myself than how I felt about him. As our relationship grew, I started wondering about our friendship and what our relationship was based on. He talked about the future and it really scared me...we were so young, could it really be that simple? We ended up dating for the next four years and our relationship taught me a lot. There were so many things I loved about him and about our relationship. I got to be myself and feel good about it...I finally felt like enough.
When I was sixteen years old, my list of "wants" in a guy was not so different from what it is now. Of course back then, it was a tad more shallow and words like attractive and athletic definitely came up; but, there were other things too. My list from High School probably looked something like this...
Athletic.
Respectful.
HONEST.
Hard worker.
Tall...Attractive.
KIND.
Loves sports.
Thoughtful.
Easy to laugh with.
Someone who APPRECIATES me.
And that was about it. Over the years my list has changed, along with my idea of what a relationship really is; but, the most important things that I have come to want are the simplest.
Someone who is KIND to me...who speaks softly and tries to understand MY point of view.
Someone who RESPECTS me.
Someone who will APPRECIATE me...even just a little for the things I try to do.
Someone who will NEVER lie to me, even if its not always what I want to hear.
And someone who will TRY to see ME.
Above all, I just want someone who will CONSIDER me...consider MY feelings in things.
I just want someone who is easy to laugh with, who takes away my sorrows and hides the heartache from the rest of the world...who makes life so much fun that any circumstance or challenge seems to be just a small hitch in the road. That one person who inspires you to want to change the world. I have also come to realize that having a "list" isn't fair unless you are willing to be everything on your list. I had a hard time letting go of my first relationship because I used to feel like I might always be alone...it wasn't so much about him. I never really thought that one person-one relationship could mean so much that without it I could actually feel lost. Dreaming about what it really feels like to fall in love is a nice thought, but when it happens its so much more. Its more unique to you because nothing is as Cinderella as you thought...its just better because its real life...because instead of glass slippers and dresses, you get basketball and hoodies. You get to be you and still feel like a princess. When that goes away, its hard to go back to indifference.
When you fall in love, and its for real...it becomes about something more than yourself. All of your pride, and control and everything about you goes away because it becomes more about the other person. You would do anything, be anything, go to any extremes to make it work...to try and make that person as happy as they make you. I always end up wanting to do more. I left my heart with him and I wasn't afraid, I trusted him...its easy to get caught up in everything and forget that it might not work out...the thought sometimes never occurs to you. Maybe that's part of why it hurts so much...you don't see it coming-it just blindside's you. Or, maybe its because that person who was also your best friend is all of a sudden gone and you don't remember how to adjust to life without them...because it was so much greater with them in it.
I think there are different phases, at first it feels like its all about you...like I did something wrong or I wasn't enough...smart enough, pretty enough, or kind enough; but, in the end we all face the reality that there was a reason. For me, I don't always understand that reason but I want to believe that its what was supposed to happen. Letting go is always the hardest part, finding a desire to WANT to move on...once that part comes the rest is easy. Its avoiding the past that hurts the most...I have to consciously think about shutting out memories or the way it "could" be. I have to focus on my life now and the good things in it...and try desperately to believe that there isn't a part missing. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, so there are things that I can't regret.
Meeting someone who makes you feel like magic is real and enchantment exists is a rare thing, but I know it taught me a lot about love. I think maybe the point of things is learning how to realize that my life isn't about ME and my happiness....but maybe my life was meant to be about HER. I don't want to be selfish...just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should be consumed in my own heartache. The world doesn't stop for your grief...finding a way to take care of HER and be everything I can be for her is enough. Maybe I don't need the rest...I know right now I don't want it. There comes a point where you just have to shut down emotionally for a while...when all of the vulnerability and effort is just humiliating.
I haven't been able to see myself wanting to move on, but I know I don't ever want to go back...the past is the past and I will try for the rest of my life to forget all of the miserable and magical moments that taught me what it meant to really open my heart and love another person with everything that I could. Eventually, I think it will be enough...for someone-maybe; but, right now I am back to the thought of someone else...and its nice. Its nice to think that someone in the world might really fall in love with ME, and appreciate ME, and be KIND to me...that someone could feel the same way and love me for all of my flaws as well as the silly things that make me me; but, when I think of him I will smile and I won't be bitter because I know what we had was real-at least for me.
People always say that endings are really new beginnings. The sad thing about endings is knowing that people are going to disappoint you but waking up to the realization that you are the disappointment...and how much that hurts and how much you wish people would stop telling you that. At a certain point you have to realize that just because you might not be the best version of yourself yet, doesn't mean that you don't DESERVE to have something better in your life. People looking from the outside in tell you to just make a decision to move on and to stop letting it hurt you so much...easier said than done; but, I have been surprised how much it does help to at least try. The realization that things will never be the same and letting go of the life you wish you had is the hardest part...smashing the fantasy, really deciding that you can't wait anymore...that its not fair to spend your life hoping...hope is paralyzing.
I guess that's why I have decided to shut down for a while...to know that its okay to be sad but to learn that no one should get to have so much of your heart that you can't figure out how to get it back. Time is supposed to heal...its the patience thing that's the hardest. I heard a song the other day at work and it pretty much describes exatly how I feel...it was like the lyrics touched my soul and I realized that reaching out is pointless...maybe I will never fall in love again, but I will never be broken again either. Its just time to make my life about KaiLee and to stop worrying about my wants and my needs...she is more important.
The song goes like this...
hello, my old heart
how have you been?
are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
you've been so still
barely beating at all
This is exactly how it feels sometimes...you wonder if your heart is there at all because it feels so shattered...I feel so BROKEN as a person and I'm not sure which way is up or how to fix it because I don't want to feel anything at all.
oh, don't leave me here alone
don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you
hello, my old heart
it's been so long
since I've given you away
and every day I add another stone
to the walls I built around you
to keep you safe
hello, my old heart
how have you been?
how is it, being locked away?
don't you worry
in there, you're safe
and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break
Learning to save your heart is so important. I guess the point of relationships is to learn how to conserve and be CAUTIOUS with who you give your heart to, because not just anyone deserves it and not just anyone will take care of it. Even when your in love with that person...
because nothing lasts forever
some things aren't meant to be
but you'll never find the answers
until you set your old heart free
This was the part that impacted me the most...How can I move on with my life if I can't let go? Let go of what used to be, of what I want, of what I feel...of him, of us...of everything. So today I will try...again. Everyday is a battle and I would be lying if I didn't say HOW MUCH I miss things....HOW MUCH I miss HIM...but I will just have to stop. Sometimes you don't know what you can survive until your forced to. There are things in my life that I never thought I could get through and maybe in a while this won't hurt so much, but I will always remember HOW MUCH it made me feel...and I will use it to remind me why I never want to feel like this again. I can make it through...somehow...someway I will find a way to be me again and to stop feeling like that person isn't enough. KaiLee definitely helps with that...she makes me feel worthy and I want to be the best version of myself FOR HER.
That being said, I can't help but feel like I wouldn't do anything different. I was grateful for the time that I got and the wonderful minute where I was in his arms and my whole universe snapped into focus. I will miss that, but I got to feel what I've always dreamed about...and even though it was only for a short while, I will always appreciate and be grateful for it-for him. So my life won't be what I thought it would...that's definitely happened before and I think maybe God has a bigger plan for me than i had for myself. I have never felt like a normal person...so why start doing things like everyone else now? I wish the best for him and his life and hope that good things come to him. I hope that he can find the happiness with someone new that I felt with him. I hope that one day he will open his heart and let someone see how truly great it is.
So welcome to life...people hurt you. People use you and wish bad on you and people are remarkable and amazing. Learn to accept things that won't change, soften your heart, and know that in time you WILL be able to forgive even the hardest of things. Pray for those who you have done wrong against you and remember that doing more for other people can go a long way in healing your own broken heart.
My first real relationship was mostly about the label...I had a boyfriend and oh how wonderful it was. We talked on the phone, we went out for ice cream, went to the football games together, and we even got to cuddle-bonus. Our relationship wasn't about anything real...it was based on attraction and infatuation. It was nice to be noticed, to feel beautiful and important-just for being myself. I have to be honest it was more about the way I got to feel about myself than how I felt about him. As our relationship grew, I started wondering about our friendship and what our relationship was based on. He talked about the future and it really scared me...we were so young, could it really be that simple? We ended up dating for the next four years and our relationship taught me a lot. There were so many things I loved about him and about our relationship. I got to be myself and feel good about it...I finally felt like enough.
When I was sixteen years old, my list of "wants" in a guy was not so different from what it is now. Of course back then, it was a tad more shallow and words like attractive and athletic definitely came up; but, there were other things too. My list from High School probably looked something like this...
Athletic.
Respectful.
HONEST.
Hard worker.
Tall...Attractive.
KIND.
Loves sports.
Thoughtful.
Easy to laugh with.
Someone who APPRECIATES me.
And that was about it. Over the years my list has changed, along with my idea of what a relationship really is; but, the most important things that I have come to want are the simplest.
Someone who is KIND to me...who speaks softly and tries to understand MY point of view.
Someone who RESPECTS me.
Someone who will APPRECIATE me...even just a little for the things I try to do.
Someone who will NEVER lie to me, even if its not always what I want to hear.
And someone who will TRY to see ME.
Above all, I just want someone who will CONSIDER me...consider MY feelings in things.
I just want someone who is easy to laugh with, who takes away my sorrows and hides the heartache from the rest of the world...who makes life so much fun that any circumstance or challenge seems to be just a small hitch in the road. That one person who inspires you to want to change the world. I have also come to realize that having a "list" isn't fair unless you are willing to be everything on your list. I had a hard time letting go of my first relationship because I used to feel like I might always be alone...it wasn't so much about him. I never really thought that one person-one relationship could mean so much that without it I could actually feel lost. Dreaming about what it really feels like to fall in love is a nice thought, but when it happens its so much more. Its more unique to you because nothing is as Cinderella as you thought...its just better because its real life...because instead of glass slippers and dresses, you get basketball and hoodies. You get to be you and still feel like a princess. When that goes away, its hard to go back to indifference.
When you fall in love, and its for real...it becomes about something more than yourself. All of your pride, and control and everything about you goes away because it becomes more about the other person. You would do anything, be anything, go to any extremes to make it work...to try and make that person as happy as they make you. I always end up wanting to do more. I left my heart with him and I wasn't afraid, I trusted him...its easy to get caught up in everything and forget that it might not work out...the thought sometimes never occurs to you. Maybe that's part of why it hurts so much...you don't see it coming-it just blindside's you. Or, maybe its because that person who was also your best friend is all of a sudden gone and you don't remember how to adjust to life without them...because it was so much greater with them in it.
I think there are different phases, at first it feels like its all about you...like I did something wrong or I wasn't enough...smart enough, pretty enough, or kind enough; but, in the end we all face the reality that there was a reason. For me, I don't always understand that reason but I want to believe that its what was supposed to happen. Letting go is always the hardest part, finding a desire to WANT to move on...once that part comes the rest is easy. Its avoiding the past that hurts the most...I have to consciously think about shutting out memories or the way it "could" be. I have to focus on my life now and the good things in it...and try desperately to believe that there isn't a part missing. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, so there are things that I can't regret.
Meeting someone who makes you feel like magic is real and enchantment exists is a rare thing, but I know it taught me a lot about love. I think maybe the point of things is learning how to realize that my life isn't about ME and my happiness....but maybe my life was meant to be about HER. I don't want to be selfish...just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should be consumed in my own heartache. The world doesn't stop for your grief...finding a way to take care of HER and be everything I can be for her is enough. Maybe I don't need the rest...I know right now I don't want it. There comes a point where you just have to shut down emotionally for a while...when all of the vulnerability and effort is just humiliating.
I haven't been able to see myself wanting to move on, but I know I don't ever want to go back...the past is the past and I will try for the rest of my life to forget all of the miserable and magical moments that taught me what it meant to really open my heart and love another person with everything that I could. Eventually, I think it will be enough...for someone-maybe; but, right now I am back to the thought of someone else...and its nice. Its nice to think that someone in the world might really fall in love with ME, and appreciate ME, and be KIND to me...that someone could feel the same way and love me for all of my flaws as well as the silly things that make me me; but, when I think of him I will smile and I won't be bitter because I know what we had was real-at least for me.
People always say that endings are really new beginnings. The sad thing about endings is knowing that people are going to disappoint you but waking up to the realization that you are the disappointment...and how much that hurts and how much you wish people would stop telling you that. At a certain point you have to realize that just because you might not be the best version of yourself yet, doesn't mean that you don't DESERVE to have something better in your life. People looking from the outside in tell you to just make a decision to move on and to stop letting it hurt you so much...easier said than done; but, I have been surprised how much it does help to at least try. The realization that things will never be the same and letting go of the life you wish you had is the hardest part...smashing the fantasy, really deciding that you can't wait anymore...that its not fair to spend your life hoping...hope is paralyzing.
I guess that's why I have decided to shut down for a while...to know that its okay to be sad but to learn that no one should get to have so much of your heart that you can't figure out how to get it back. Time is supposed to heal...its the patience thing that's the hardest. I heard a song the other day at work and it pretty much describes exatly how I feel...it was like the lyrics touched my soul and I realized that reaching out is pointless...maybe I will never fall in love again, but I will never be broken again either. Its just time to make my life about KaiLee and to stop worrying about my wants and my needs...she is more important.
The song goes like this...
hello, my old heart
how have you been?
are you still there inside my chest?
I've been so worried
you've been so still
barely beating at all
This is exactly how it feels sometimes...you wonder if your heart is there at all because it feels so shattered...I feel so BROKEN as a person and I'm not sure which way is up or how to fix it because I don't want to feel anything at all.
oh, don't leave me here alone
don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while
oh, I don't want to be alone
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you
hello, my old heart
it's been so long
since I've given you away
and every day I add another stone
to the walls I built around you
to keep you safe
hello, my old heart
how have you been?
how is it, being locked away?
don't you worry
in there, you're safe
and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break
Learning to save your heart is so important. I guess the point of relationships is to learn how to conserve and be CAUTIOUS with who you give your heart to, because not just anyone deserves it and not just anyone will take care of it. Even when your in love with that person...
because nothing lasts forever
some things aren't meant to be
but you'll never find the answers
until you set your old heart free
This was the part that impacted me the most...How can I move on with my life if I can't let go? Let go of what used to be, of what I want, of what I feel...of him, of us...of everything. So today I will try...again. Everyday is a battle and I would be lying if I didn't say HOW MUCH I miss things....HOW MUCH I miss HIM...but I will just have to stop. Sometimes you don't know what you can survive until your forced to. There are things in my life that I never thought I could get through and maybe in a while this won't hurt so much, but I will always remember HOW MUCH it made me feel...and I will use it to remind me why I never want to feel like this again. I can make it through...somehow...someway I will find a way to be me again and to stop feeling like that person isn't enough. KaiLee definitely helps with that...she makes me feel worthy and I want to be the best version of myself FOR HER.
That being said, I can't help but feel like I wouldn't do anything different. I was grateful for the time that I got and the wonderful minute where I was in his arms and my whole universe snapped into focus. I will miss that, but I got to feel what I've always dreamed about...and even though it was only for a short while, I will always appreciate and be grateful for it-for him. So my life won't be what I thought it would...that's definitely happened before and I think maybe God has a bigger plan for me than i had for myself. I have never felt like a normal person...so why start doing things like everyone else now? I wish the best for him and his life and hope that good things come to him. I hope that he can find the happiness with someone new that I felt with him. I hope that one day he will open his heart and let someone see how truly great it is.
So welcome to life...people hurt you. People use you and wish bad on you and people are remarkable and amazing. Learn to accept things that won't change, soften your heart, and know that in time you WILL be able to forgive even the hardest of things. Pray for those who you have done wrong against you and remember that doing more for other people can go a long way in healing your own broken heart.
Monday, February 18, 2013
KaiLee :)
Well, I can't believe its already been eight weeks since my little girl came into my life, it seems like the time goes by faster everyday. KaiLee has already changed so much. She grows so fast and goes through clothes everyday. Life as a Mom has certainly been challenging and has taken some adjustment, but it has been the best opportunity and gift in my life. There's nothing quite like it...I have watched many people have babies, but you have no idea how much time and love and effort they require until you have your own...and you never realize how much you will love doing it either. Hearing KaiLee cry or talk in the middle of the night is truly the greatest sound. I don't mind waking up because its a chance to see that beautiful little face and spend some time just talking to her. Its a great time when everything is quiet and far away to just be with my baby.
KaiLee is a wonderful little baby who is loved by so many people. Everyone who meets her falls in love...can I blame them? She is perfect. I can't believe how much and how fast she has changed...seems like just yesterday she was in my belly ready to come into the world. I have gone back to work now and that has been the hardest adjustment yet. Of course I cried the first week dropping her off at the babysitter's but more than that, its just hard to be away from her for eight hours a day. I think about her constantly and when she needs to eat, wonder if she's awake or sleeping...and if she is happy or sad. She knows my voice, I sort of love that :) If it wasn't for actually needing money to support her, I could easily never work again. I just try to remember that she deserves the best and I have to work to provide that for her. I'm doing okay, but sometimes its a little overwhelming...babies don't come cheap.
KaiLee has started smiling more now that she's a little older, its one of my very most favorite things. It completely melts my heart everytime. I am glad I only have to do one day of daycare a week, but I just wish I had more time to spend with her. She has started taking bath's too...one of the greatest things to watch. She loves it...little fish never wants to come out...she just puts her head back and floats around in the water :) I never want to put her down when I get home...I could spend the entire day with that little girl in my arms just staring at her and thinking about her journey to this life...how it all happened. She is my angel, truly she saved my life. Everything is different because of her, her sweet spirit helps heal my heart from all the stress and sadness in this life.
Growing up I thought I wanted kids sure...but I never really thought about it in detail...especially not about having them this young-and ideally not by myself. What girl dreams about being a single mom, but in some ways I wouldn't trade my experience. It can be really hard and really frustrating and take all of my time and effort and emotion; but, she is so worth it and I have gotten to really love this little girl. No matter what happens I want her to always know that I always loved her, and I always wanted her. I can't imagine my life without my daughter...my beautiful little KaiLee has been absolutely everything to me. I feel really lucky to have her in my life...to wake up everyday and know that all the heartache, and saddness, and frustration that I carry around is all for her and she helps to make things simpler.
If I could wish anything for someone in this life its this...that they have a little baby girl all their own. Nothing will ever be the same. She makes me believe in magic. She gives me hope. She inspires me. She makes me want to be better. She helps me through. She is MY EVERYTHING. She has the biggest and best part of my heart-and always will. I worry about if I'm doing enough for her sometimes. I hope I am...I try really hard. I sometimes wonder about what her life will be like...how different my life could be if I had a "traditional" family...maybe one day I will...who knows who will come into our lives and who will leave, but as long as we have each other I think it will be okay. I have her to love me...for now that's enough...it might always be enough. I love my daughter with everything that I have and I will do anything it takes to keep her protected, to help her feel loved, happy and secure with who she is. I will do better just for her. She deserves everything.
I wish she would stay little forever...I'm so afraid about being enough for her when she's older...then again the older she gets, the more fun it is. New adventures come into my life as she changes and while I am definitely learning everything from trial and error, the patience I have comes from loving her SO much. Its a strange thing to hold a baby and know that another person's life is in your hands. I think about her so much...about the relationship we will have and the person she will become...if she'll like ballet or basketball, if she will be outgoing or shy, if she will love music the way I do...its all just what if's right now but for the rest of my life I will get to be called Mom and what a privilege it is.
KaiLee is a wonderful little baby who is loved by so many people. Everyone who meets her falls in love...can I blame them? She is perfect. I can't believe how much and how fast she has changed...seems like just yesterday she was in my belly ready to come into the world. I have gone back to work now and that has been the hardest adjustment yet. Of course I cried the first week dropping her off at the babysitter's but more than that, its just hard to be away from her for eight hours a day. I think about her constantly and when she needs to eat, wonder if she's awake or sleeping...and if she is happy or sad. She knows my voice, I sort of love that :) If it wasn't for actually needing money to support her, I could easily never work again. I just try to remember that she deserves the best and I have to work to provide that for her. I'm doing okay, but sometimes its a little overwhelming...babies don't come cheap.
KaiLee has started smiling more now that she's a little older, its one of my very most favorite things. It completely melts my heart everytime. I am glad I only have to do one day of daycare a week, but I just wish I had more time to spend with her. She has started taking bath's too...one of the greatest things to watch. She loves it...little fish never wants to come out...she just puts her head back and floats around in the water :) I never want to put her down when I get home...I could spend the entire day with that little girl in my arms just staring at her and thinking about her journey to this life...how it all happened. She is my angel, truly she saved my life. Everything is different because of her, her sweet spirit helps heal my heart from all the stress and sadness in this life.
Growing up I thought I wanted kids sure...but I never really thought about it in detail...especially not about having them this young-and ideally not by myself. What girl dreams about being a single mom, but in some ways I wouldn't trade my experience. It can be really hard and really frustrating and take all of my time and effort and emotion; but, she is so worth it and I have gotten to really love this little girl. No matter what happens I want her to always know that I always loved her, and I always wanted her. I can't imagine my life without my daughter...my beautiful little KaiLee has been absolutely everything to me. I feel really lucky to have her in my life...to wake up everyday and know that all the heartache, and saddness, and frustration that I carry around is all for her and she helps to make things simpler.
If I could wish anything for someone in this life its this...that they have a little baby girl all their own. Nothing will ever be the same. She makes me believe in magic. She gives me hope. She inspires me. She makes me want to be better. She helps me through. She is MY EVERYTHING. She has the biggest and best part of my heart-and always will. I worry about if I'm doing enough for her sometimes. I hope I am...I try really hard. I sometimes wonder about what her life will be like...how different my life could be if I had a "traditional" family...maybe one day I will...who knows who will come into our lives and who will leave, but as long as we have each other I think it will be okay. I have her to love me...for now that's enough...it might always be enough. I love my daughter with everything that I have and I will do anything it takes to keep her protected, to help her feel loved, happy and secure with who she is. I will do better just for her. She deserves everything.
I wish she would stay little forever...I'm so afraid about being enough for her when she's older...then again the older she gets, the more fun it is. New adventures come into my life as she changes and while I am definitely learning everything from trial and error, the patience I have comes from loving her SO much. Its a strange thing to hold a baby and know that another person's life is in your hands. I think about her so much...about the relationship we will have and the person she will become...if she'll like ballet or basketball, if she will be outgoing or shy, if she will love music the way I do...its all just what if's right now but for the rest of my life I will get to be called Mom and what a privilege it is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)