tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65485255404980276882024-02-20T04:21:15.057-08:00KaiLee RayneMy life, my love, my daughter...b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-13755706883218510032013-09-19T13:58:00.000-07:002013-09-19T13:58:03.274-07:00A New Kind of Love I am 22 years old and in the last three months I have started to learn exactly what that means. When I think back to my High School years, I feel so different, older, more mature, more grown up; but, when I look ahead to my future in some ways I know I'm just beginning. I have learned so much from my beautiful daughter and I am so grateful for all the lessons she gives me-every single day. She brings the magic back into my life, she makes ordinary things more enchanting and she redefines the word love. Love to me has always been more of a choice than an actual emotion...I will choose to love you, to commit to you, to be there for you because of how much I care. I know there are a lot of things I don't know about love, but the one thing KaiLee has shown me time and time again is that true love is unconditional. There are no terms, no circumstances, no accomplishments that change or define love, its simply a feeling that will last truly forever-no matter what happens.<br />
I definitely think the kind of love you have for a child-especially your own child is much different than the love you share with other people, but it helps to magnify that intense joy that can really open your heart to a new way of feeling. Never did I know you could love so deeply, care so genuinely or believe so strongly. KaiLee has given me faith, in life, in myself and yes in love. After she was born, my life became about so much more than me. It became about her and the things that she brought into my life have really changed me for the better. She helps me find hope. She makes me want better...better for me, better for our lives....especially better for her.<br />
Have you ever found something in your life that you wanted...really truly wanted more than anything? Its a surreal feeling to know when something is right and realize that fighting for it will be the best adventure of all. Its such a hard emotion to describe. In some ways, it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do-and the idea of losing is terrifying, but in other ways the idea of it, the feelings associated with the victory, bring you so much happiness you just know there is no other choice. There are things in life I've wanted sure, but there has never been anything so important as the future of my daughter. I do think sometimes I tend to be selfish and want things for myself but most of all I want what's best for her. I want her to feel the kind of love I have for her in all aspects of her life. I want there to be so many people around her that have that love for her that she never doubts her self worth, her importance, or her value in my life.<br />
I do think since my daughter has come into my life that I have felt things more deeply. I think its because life has tended to feel more long term than temporary and petty. The things that really matter, the people that really matter they are engraved in my heart-truly and deeply. I feel overwhelming love and gratitude for them and I want to do everything I can to help those people develop a KaiLee like love. If only everyone I loved could feel how MUCH I care. Words don't ever seem to adequately express my true appreciation for my friends and my desire to make those feelings last forever. I still believe in beating the odds, I still believe in overcoming what others think might never work, and I still believe somehow all the hang ups will fade away for the things that really matter. I can't...I won't stop believing that true happiness not only exists but is reachable.<br />
The biggest thing I have learned is that nothing will ever happen the way that you want, even when we get things we want they tend to be in different ways than we pictured. Should it mean that we shouldn't still wish for the best? No. But, it does mean sometimes you have to learn to compromise and realize that the alternative can still bring you just as much happiness and joy-if you allow it to. Expectations just make everything grey. It takes the black and white out of the easy decisions because we want to bend things to make them fit better in our minds. The thing that I have feared the most lately is that I might be cheating myself out of amazing opportunities because they aren't what I expected or hoped for right away. I want love in my life. I think I always will. Does it mean that it has to be the traditional kind...same as everyone else kind of love? Not a chance. If I find the real thing, I want to stay as close to it as I can-for as long as I can. I want there to be no expectations or pressures about it. I just want to be grateful for feeling it at all. <br />
More than anything, I want my daughter to know that its okay to fall in love. Its okay to have your heart broken again and again fighting for what you want...for what you believe in-that its okay to feel whatever you know is right even if it means disappointing someone. And, above all, to know that no love is wasted. I want her to be able to learn from the past but hope for the future and do whatever it is that makes her happy. I don't want her to feel like she has to bend to society or what other people think is appropriate. I don't want to label anyone she loves. I don't care who it is, as long as he treats her with respect and loves her the way she deserves. I want her to find her own twisted average fairytale or nightmare all on her own. I want her to be a fighter...the way that I couldn't for a long time. I want her to be strong, to stand up for what she believes in and know that if she wants it enough, she can find a way to make it happen. I want her to know that not everything is easy but the most difficult things of all can bring the best rewards. I want her to know that everything I've learned that matters in life, I've learned from my baby girl. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-19863913406983993822013-09-12T00:11:00.000-07:002013-09-12T00:11:06.730-07:00KaiLee's New Friend This month I got a nephew and he is wonderful and beautiful. It sure is different getting to be the Aunt instead of the Mom. Its amazing how much time has gone by since the first time I held my little angel in my arms. Its been eight months already, more like nine; but, in reality it feels like time is zooming by and it has been both challenging and rewarding. In some ways, everyday KaiLee grows is more and more fun-we have new adventures and she is so aware of things around her. She can roll over, sit up, almost crawl, talk, and yet she knows nothing of the real world this far. In other ways I feel as if the most precious of moments with her have already gone and she is becoming this little personality that I won't be able to protect forever. Of course the thought is terrifying but its also exciting to experience as her Mother. What a joy my little bug has brought to my life.<br />
Lately I have had a hard time trying to define myself as a person instead of just a Mother but in a lot of ways, my most favorite things about myself have to do with that role. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and I am grateful now more than ever for the decision I made to keep her. My life is anything but ordinary...non-traditional, exceptionally challenging at times, but its also really full and brings me so much fulfillment that at times I can barely breathe. There are little moments where I catch my breath looking at or listening to my daughter and I'm so full of pride I think my heart might burst. I am and always will be so proud to be her Mommy.<br />
KaiLee is in everyway magic. She enchants me. She is so special and so beautiful and sometimes I feel like she can take care of me more than I can take care of her. I think we help each other but I know I would be no where near where I have finally come to be without her. She makes everything go from black and white to color and I feel like having her in my life helps me to actually experience it more fully. The truth is a lot of time we tend to coast...to be on auto pilot and try to just get through the days instead of really taking an opportunity to appreciate every stage that we're in (even when some of them are places we never really want to go back to). There still comes a certain pride in knowing that during the hardest and worst times, there were still tender mercies that helped to heal the pain.<br />
This week has been truly a blessing for me and my precious daughter. For one, I have actually gotten to take a vacation and spend all day everyday with my girl for about nine days straight-makes me resent working sometimes; but, also we have had a really incredible stay in our little September break. In general, there are certain things that have changed since I had KaiLee-this much is obvious I know, but in other ways there are subtle differences that tend to sneak up on me. I never really noticed but sometimes I get nervous for my old friends to meet KaiLee...you know the ones who knew me before I was "Brittany the Mom." Its easy to meet new people, to introduce myself, to redesign who I am and say that I have an eight month old daughter-that's cake because that is my life now. But, being around my old life and making that transition of who I was to who I am tends to confuse me sometimes.<br />
That being said, for some reason I was really scared about coming back and having one of my closest friends meet KaiLee and see firsthand the differences between me as a person and me as a Mother. I was never worried or ashamed of KaiLee, I knew that whoever was fortunate enough to meet her would be just as in love and just as captivated by those sparkling blue eyes. She tends to have that effect on the people around her. I think she is a perfect example of believing in something bigger than yourself. She just gives me hope.<br />
In a lot of ways, being here right now has been more than I could have hoped for as KaiLee has definitely found herself a new friend and ally; but, I have also rediscovered why my best friend is my best friend and come to a new appreciation for the two people that continues to make my life better. Its a strange thing to be nervous for the one person who was actually there through the entire process to see the end result. I mean come on...the person who knew more about KaiLee before she was KaiLee than maybe anyone. Now, things have taken such a pleasant turn that my heart feels more full and more grateful than it has in a long time. I think God sends you people exactly when you need them and the rest is up to you.<br />
So many times there are people coming and going from our lives. When you find someone that you want to really stay in it, it becomes a trial and a blessing. Its an opportunity but a commitment. Ultimately, fate may lay people in our paths but we decide who stays, who go's, and who matters. Luckily, I have the greatest kinds of people that DO matter to me and my heart melts to know that KaiLee has so many people who love her. Seeing people with children shows real character...it says a lot about a person. That being said, its pretty amazing that someone who has never met KaiLee could come into her life and in such a short time become such an important part. Its a special thing to have a friend so close to your heart you just know they will be around for the most important times. What a difference one person can make. At the end of the day, I think its safe to say that KaiLee has some sort of understanding of what it means to have a best friend-after all, she has at least one more now. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-9630241257067700342013-06-06T14:15:00.001-07:002013-06-06T14:15:58.901-07:00Happy Birthday Dad :)<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Dad is a special word for
an angel from above</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>A gentle, caring, friend
who's there and always shares his love</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>A person who will laugh
and teach, be there through trials too</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Someone who will always
care-no matter what you do</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>My Father is my
everything, my example and my light</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>He always helps me see
what's best and helps me choose the right</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>He brings my life such joy
and can always make me smile</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>My life means more because
of him...I feel like I'm worthwhile
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>My Dad he shows me
everything and forever helps me to be</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>The daughter that he's
proud of, the best and only me</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>I've learned a thing or
two in my time with him you see</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>So I'll always value his
advice-even when we don't agree</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>With my Father on my side,
I know there's nothing I can't defeat</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Because being on his team
means having the ultimate box seat</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>There are many ways I'm
like him and for that I'm very proud</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Because my Dad and all his
quirks, they just stand out in a crowd</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>He works hard for our
family and has always helped me know</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>That experiences aren't
always great but still help you to grow</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>His faith-it is
incredible, he believes with all his heart</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>And that's something I can
count on, even when we are apart</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Dad's help with so many
things that its hard to name them all</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>But I'm awfully sure
without him very fast I'd start to fall</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>So many things to say
thank you for, so much to appreciate</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>And there is no better way
than just to say my Father's GREAT.</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>I love you Dad will my
heart and I will no matter what</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Because I know you'll
always pull me out of each and every rut.
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Happy Birthday dear
friend, I just wanted to say</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>That I hope you have an
extra, super special day.</b></span></span></span></div>
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b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-73849330645670291662013-05-10T14:05:00.001-07:002013-05-10T14:08:46.504-07:00Running Rain I have always loved to write...it seems to help me figure out what I'm feeling and how much I'm feeling; but, lately I just haven't been able to find the words. I think its because I'm not sure exactly how I have been feeling, unable to describe my emotions and my thoughts. I spent a lot of time thinking about things while I was driving home from Colorado last week. The drive was beautiful and clear...so many trees and colors, but there came one spot where the rain was beating down and the sky became so dark I could barely see anything at all. I drove for about ten minutes and all of a sudden everything was clear and light again. It made me think of life and how the dark spots feel like so much of our time while we are going through them, but in the grand scheme of things they are only just a minute of madness. <br />
Every storm eventually runs out of rain and looking back all you can see is the darkness until you drive long enough to forget and move on. I haven't been able to stop looking back I think that's been a huge part of my problem, I can't see past the dark. Even though my rain has finally stopped, I'm still dealing with the effects of the storm. When I drove out of the black, there was a huge hill in front of me and it seemed so long and so steep and yet while I was on it, I hardly noticed the incline at all. I do that sometimes in life I think....I look at the whole thing and get so discouraged that I don't realize how strong I am while I'm on that journey.<br />
There is a song I heard driving the other day that pretty much describes exactly how I have been feeling. This is a little bit of it...<br />
<br />
so your standin' in the middle of the thunder and lightnin'<br />
i know you're feelin' like you just can win but your tryin' <br />
its hard to keep on keepin' on when your being pushed around<br />
dont even know which way is up you just keep spinning down <br />
<br />
<strong><span style="color: orange; font-size: large;">every storm runs, runs out of rain</span> <br /><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">just like every dark night turns into day</span><br /><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">every heartache will fade away</span><br /><span style="color: magenta;">just like every storm runs, runs out of rain</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="color: magenta;"></span></strong><br />
so hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more <br />
and walk out that door<br />
go find a new rose, don't be affraid of the thorns<br />
cause we all have thorns<br />
just put your feet up to the edge, put you face in the wind <br />
and when you fall back down keep on rememberin'<br />
<br />
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that eventually the pain will stop and the sadness...the feeling of betrayal and maybe one day with time I can even learn to trust again. The biggest thing I have learned this year is that there is no cure for heartache. Sometimes you just have to go through it. No distraction, no excuse, especially no amount of time spent avoiding those feelings will make them fade away; and, some will take longer than others. As much as it sucks, you just have to wait out the storm because the rain will run out.b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-79588782610867481882013-03-25T13:37:00.002-07:002013-03-25T13:44:31.297-07:00ME, ME, ME I've been thinking a lot about myself lately...okay that sounds selfish, I just mean me as a person. Am I the person I always wanted to be, or have I fallen short based on decisions and actions I have made? In a lot of ways, sometimes I feel really inadequate and down about my life. On the other hand, the last year of my life has definitely taught me that I am a survivor and I can do anything I need to in my life. Its been a real blessing to know that no matter what happens, I can rely on me. I can support KaiLee and while I may want help, I don't actually need it...I can do it alone, because I have. I can stand up on my own feet and figure things out even in the hardest and saddest times.<br />
Emotionally I do feel like I am a little broken. I tend to be all over the place...I have felt things so intensely-maybe its the baby hormones but it just seems like all my feelings are magnified. The worst thing for me lately has been anger...I really hate it but I can't seem to let go of it. I'm so angry ALL THE TIME. I feel bitter, I feel resentful, I feel alone. I'm so stuck on the "it's not fair" crap that it really seems to be affecting my whole self. I know I can't be the best Mom for KaiLee until I have peace in my heart, but its absolutely a work in progress at this point. I think for so long I just bottled things up. I tried to forgive and forget and I did for a while, but everything came up all at once and its so much more than I can swallow. All of the emotions and pain I have been hiding for so long are finally right there and I can't ignore them anymore. I don't know how to work through them; unfortunately, if you don't take time to be hurt about things they have a way of coming back to you. <br />
The other thing I really want to try and work on is my self esteem...right now its so gone its not even funny. I let people dictate my view of my self...I hate that about me. I try so hard to be someone that people like, someone that people are proud of, someone people genuinely enjoy spending time with and yet, it seems I always fall short of being enough. Why should other people's opinions matter; but, they do. Its hard to look at someone and think of all the things they have ever told you...to feel like when they look at me, all they see is a disappointment. I think especially when you try with someone...really really try, to make things work or you open yourself up as much as you can, in every way possible-and then that person decides they don't want any of it...that's when it hurts the most. That's when you start to realize that you aren't enough...and the rest follows like awful voices in your head that just won't go away. I start to feel overwhelmed with it all, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny or kind enough-not LOVEABLE enough. That's the hardest part to deal with.<br />
Then, there are days where I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last year, and I feel really proud of myself. I falter, but I keep going...I fall, but I get back up...I am weak, but I am STRONG. Even after everything I have put myself through, and yes a lot of it was my choices and my self inflicted heartache, I still want so badly to believe in the magic and the beauty in life. I don't want to be this way forever, I know it will take some time to really heal; but, I hope one day I will be able to open my heart again and really let someone see me. One day I won't be afraid to show someone who I am, even if it means facing rejection because one day I will have my faith again-I hope so anyway.<br />
I had this dream I have been thinking about lately...it was about five years into the future and I had my own family...it was and always will be me and KaiLee, but there was someone new too. It really helped me feel like its going to be okay because I really do believe there is someone out there waiting for me and KaiLee as much as we are waiting for him. And, one day we will all be together and I will be insanely happy. I will be able to let go of the past and truly move on. I think I might even be grateful at that point because every awful thing to happen will have taken me there and if I can get there, it will all be worth it.<br />
On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if I am going to miss that opportunity because I am so afraid now. I wonder if holding on to the past and what could have been will hinder my future. Maybe I will never be there, but I will always have KaiLee. Its not the loneliness that hurts so much as worrying about her life and what will happen to her if I can't learn to get up from this one. If I can't look in the mirror and stop hating what I see. Right now, it just hurts so deeply. I can't go back, I don't ever want to either...there are too many things that have come up...to many underlying truths that will forever make me question trust, and honesty, and yes even love; but, I don't know how to move forward and believe that not everything...that not everyone will be the same.<br />
KaiLee is my everything. I love her so much words cannot possibly describe my absolute joy and gratitude for her. I worry sometimes about her growing up. I don't ever want her to hurt...I know she will, I just wish I could save her from it. I want someone to love her unconditionally the way that I do...I also want to matter to her. I want to matter at all. I really want to be someone worth missing, someone that people WANT in their life. So many times I feel so...invisible I guess. I wonder how many people I am really helping, how many lives I am changing. I want to do more, I want to be more...I want to find me-the me I was meant to be. I don't want to be weak, and fragile, and sad all the time because I tried so damn hard to do the wrong things over and over again. Because I keep choosing to give my heart to the WRONG people.<br />
I have seen who my real friends are through this whole thing, and to those of you I say thank you...truly thank you, from the bottom of my heart-for helping me through this. I know this is no where near the best years of my life (even with my beautiful KaiLee), I just have to be patient and trust that God will help me see his plan...even if it is different from what I expected. As for the in between, I will wait. I will have my good days, my sad days, my unbearably angry days, and my overwhelmingly loving days...but the point is I will FEEL again. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-63040646178166283192013-03-03T19:43:00.002-08:002013-03-03T19:55:59.157-08:00The Lunchbox Days Last week I overheard a conversation between two sixteen year old girls, they were talking about qualities that they like in boys. The conversation was light enough...certainly predictable but it got me wondering about how the answers change . In first grade, boys have cooties. In Jr. High the twitterpated note writing phase starts and high school brings infatuation; so, how old do you have to be to fall in love? How "mature" do you have to be before your love is REAL? When I was little, all boys were good for was soccer and opening the lid on peanut butter jars. Then it started to become exciting and new...there was something really light and fun about flirting and feeling important for the first time. <br />
My first real relationship was mostly about the label...I had a boyfriend and oh how wonderful it was. We talked on the phone, we went out for ice cream, went to the football games together, and we even got to cuddle-bonus. Our relationship wasn't about anything real...it was based on attraction and infatuation. It was nice to be noticed, to feel beautiful and important-just for being myself. I have to be honest it was more about the way I got to feel about myself than how I felt about him. As our relationship grew, I started wondering about our friendship and what our relationship was based on. He talked about the future and it really scared me...we were so young, could it really be that simple? We ended up dating for the next four years and our relationship taught me a lot. There were so many things I loved about him and about our relationship. I got to be myself and feel good about it...I finally felt like enough.<br />
When I was sixteen years old, my list of "wants" in a guy was not so different from what it is now. Of course back then, it was a tad more shallow and words like attractive and athletic definitely came up; but, there were other things too. My list from High School probably looked something like this...<br />
<br />
Athletic.<br />
<br />
Respectful.<br />
<br />
HONEST.<br />
<br />
Hard worker.<br />
<br />
Tall...Attractive.<br />
<br />
KIND.<br />
<br />
Loves sports.<br />
<br />
Thoughtful.<br />
<br />
Easy to laugh with.<br />
<br />
Someone who APPRECIATES me.<br />
<br />
And that was about it. Over the years my list has changed, along with my idea of what a relationship really is; but, the most important things that I have come to want are the simplest.<br />
<br />
Someone who is KIND to me...who speaks softly and tries to understand MY point of view.<br />
<br />
Someone who RESPECTS me.<br />
<br />
Someone who will APPRECIATE me...even just a little for the things I try to do.<br />
<br />
Someone who will NEVER lie to me, even if its not always what I want to hear.<br />
<br />
And someone who will TRY to see ME. <br />
<br />
Above all, I just want someone who will CONSIDER me...consider MY feelings in things.<br />
<br />
I just want someone who is easy to laugh with, who takes away my sorrows and hides the heartache from the rest of the world...who makes life so much fun that any circumstance or challenge seems to be just a small hitch in the road. That one person who inspires you to want to change the world. I have also come to realize that having a "list" isn't fair unless you are willing to be everything on your list. I had a hard time letting go of my first relationship because I used to feel like I might always be alone...it wasn't so much about him. I never really thought that one person-one relationship could mean so much that without it I could actually feel lost. Dreaming about what it really feels like to fall in love is a nice thought, but when it happens its so much more. Its more unique to you because nothing is as Cinderella as you thought...its just better because its real life...because instead of glass slippers and dresses, you get basketball and hoodies. You get to be you and still feel like a princess. When that goes away, its hard to go back to indifference. <br />
When you fall in love, and its for real...it becomes about something more than yourself. All of your pride, and control and everything about you goes away because it becomes more about the other person. You would do anything, be anything, go to any extremes to make it work...to try and make that person as happy as they make you. I always end up wanting to do more. I left my heart with him and I wasn't afraid, I trusted him...its easy to get caught up in everything and forget that it might not work out...the thought sometimes never occurs to you. Maybe that's part of why it hurts so much...you don't see it coming-it just blindside's you. Or, maybe its because that person who was also your best friend is all of a sudden gone and you don't remember how to adjust to life without them...because it was so much greater with them in it. <br />
I think there are different phases, at first it feels like its all about you...like I did something wrong or I wasn't enough...smart enough, pretty enough, or kind enough; but, in the end we all face the reality that there was a reason. For me, I don't always understand that reason but I want to believe that its what was supposed to happen. Letting go is always the hardest part, finding a desire to WANT to move on...once that part comes the rest is easy. Its avoiding the past that hurts the most...I have to consciously think about shutting out memories or the way it "could" be. I have to focus on my life now and the good things in it...and try desperately to believe that there isn't a part missing. KaiLee is and always will be the BEST part of my life and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, so there are things that I can't regret.<br />
Meeting someone who makes you feel like magic is real and enchantment exists is a rare thing, but I know it taught me a lot about love. I think maybe the point of things is learning how to realize that my life isn't about ME and my happiness....but maybe my life was meant to be about HER. I don't want to be selfish...just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should be consumed in my own heartache. The world doesn't stop for your grief...finding a way to take care of HER and be everything I can be for her is enough. Maybe I don't need the rest...I know right now I don't want it. There comes a point where you just have to shut down emotionally for a while...when all of the vulnerability and effort is just humiliating. <br />
I haven't been able to see myself wanting to move on, but I know I don't ever want to go back...the past is the past and I will try for the rest of my life to forget all of the miserable and magical moments that taught me what it meant to really open my heart and love another person with everything that I could. Eventually, I think it will be enough...for someone-maybe; but, right now I am back to the thought of someone else...and its nice. Its nice to think that someone in the world might really fall in love with ME, and appreciate ME, and be KIND to me...that someone could feel the same way and love me for all of my flaws as well as the silly things that make me me; but, when I think of him I will smile and I won't be bitter because I know what we had was real-at least for me.<br />
People always say that endings are really new beginnings. The sad thing about endings is knowing that people are going to disappoint you but waking up to the realization that you are the disappointment...and how much that hurts and how much you wish people would stop telling you that. At a certain point you have to realize that just because you might not be the best version of yourself yet, doesn't mean that you don't DESERVE to have something better in your life. People looking from the outside in tell you to just make a decision to move on and to stop letting it hurt you so much...easier said than done; but, I have been surprised how much it does help to at least try. The realization that things will never be the same and letting go of the life you wish you had is the hardest part...smashing the fantasy, really deciding that you can't wait anymore...that its not fair to spend your life hoping...hope is paralyzing. <br />
I guess that's why I have decided to shut down for a while...to know that its okay to be sad but to learn that no one should get to have so much of your heart that you can't figure out how to get it back. Time is supposed to heal...its the patience thing that's the hardest. I heard a song the other day at work and it pretty much describes exatly how I feel...it was like the lyrics touched my soul and I realized that reaching out is pointless...maybe I will never fall in love again, but I will never be broken again either. Its just time to make my life about KaiLee and to stop worrying about my wants and my needs...she is more important.<br />
<br />
The song goes like this...<br />
<br />
hello, my old heart <br />
how have you been? <br />
are you still there inside my chest? <br />
I've been so worried <br />
you've been so still <br />
barely beating at all <br />
<br />
This is exactly how it feels sometimes...you wonder if your heart is there at all because it feels so shattered...I feel so BROKEN as a person and I'm not sure which way is up or how to fix it because I don't want to feel anything at all.<br />
<br />
oh, don't leave me here alone <br />
don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while <br />
oh, I don't want to be alone <br />
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you <br />
<br />
hello, my old heart <br />
it's been so long <br />
since I've given you away <br />
and every day I add another stone <br />
to the walls I built around you <br />
to keep you safe<br />
<br />
hello, my old heart <br />
how have you been? <br />
how is it, being locked away? <br />
don't you worry <br />
in there, you're safe <br />
and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break <br />
<br />
Learning to save your heart is so important. I guess the point of relationships is to learn how to conserve and be CAUTIOUS with who you give your heart to, because not just anyone deserves it and not just anyone will take care of it. Even when your in love with that person...<br />
<br />
because nothing lasts forever <br />
some things aren't meant to be <br />
but you'll never find the answers <br />
until you set your old heart free<br />
<br />
This was the part that impacted me the most...How can I move on with my life if I can't let go? Let go of what used to be, of what I want, of what I feel...of him, of us...of everything. So today I will try...again. Everyday is a battle and I would be lying if I didn't say HOW MUCH I miss things....HOW MUCH I miss HIM...but I will just have to stop. Sometimes you don't know what you can survive until your forced to. There are things in my life that I never thought I could get through and maybe in a while this won't hurt so much, but I will always remember HOW MUCH it made me feel...and I will use it to remind me why I never want to feel like this again. I can make it through...somehow...someway I will find a way to be me again and to stop feeling like that person isn't enough. KaiLee definitely helps with that...she makes me feel worthy and I want to be the best version of myself FOR HER. <br />
That being said, I can't help but feel like I wouldn't do anything different. I was grateful for the time that I got and the wonderful minute where I was in his arms and my whole universe snapped into focus. I will miss that, but I got to feel what I've always dreamed about...and even though it was only for a short while, I will always appreciate and be grateful for it-for him. So my life won't be what I thought it would...that's definitely happened before and I think maybe God has a bigger plan for me than i had for myself. I have never felt like a normal person...so why start doing things like everyone else now? I wish the best for him and his life and hope that good things come to him. I hope that he can find the happiness with someone new that I felt with him. I hope that one day he will open his heart and let someone see how truly great it is. <br />
So welcome to life...people hurt you. People use you and wish bad on you and people are remarkable and amazing. Learn to accept things that won't change, soften your heart, and know that in time you WILL be able to forgive even the hardest of things. Pray for those who you have done wrong against you and remember that doing more for other people can go a long way in healing your own broken heart. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-52554650523952766052013-02-18T15:38:00.000-08:002013-02-18T15:38:01.545-08:00KaiLee :) Well, I can't believe its already been eight weeks since my little girl came into my life, it seems like the time goes by faster everyday. KaiLee has already changed so much. She grows so fast and goes through clothes everyday. Life as a Mom has certainly been challenging and has taken some adjustment, but it has been the best opportunity and gift in my life. There's nothing quite like it...I have watched many people have babies, but you have no idea how much time and love and effort they require until you have your own...and you never realize how much you will love doing it either. Hearing KaiLee cry or talk in the middle of the night is truly the greatest sound. I don't mind waking up because its a chance to see that beautiful little face and spend some time just talking to her. Its a great time when everything is quiet and far away to just be with my baby.<br />
KaiLee is a wonderful little baby who is loved by so many people. Everyone who meets her falls in love...can I blame them? She is perfect. I can't believe how much and how fast she has changed...seems like just yesterday she was in my belly ready to come into the world. I have gone back to work now and that has been the hardest adjustment yet. Of course I cried the first week dropping her off at the babysitter's but more than that, its just hard to be away from her for eight hours a day. I think about her constantly and when she needs to eat, wonder if she's awake or sleeping...and if she is happy or sad. She knows my voice, I sort of love that :) If it wasn't for actually needing money to support her, I could easily never work again. I just try to remember that she deserves the best and I have to work to provide that for her. I'm doing okay, but sometimes its a little overwhelming...babies don't come cheap.<br />
KaiLee has started smiling more now that she's a little older, its one of my very most favorite things. It completely melts my heart everytime. I am glad I only have to do one day of daycare a week, but I just wish I had more time to spend with her. She has started taking bath's too...one of the greatest things to watch. She loves it...little fish never wants to come out...she just puts her head back and floats around in the water :) I never want to put her down when I get home...I could spend the entire day with that little girl in my arms just staring at her and thinking about her journey to this life...how it all happened. She is my angel, truly she saved my life. Everything is different because of her, her sweet spirit helps heal my heart from all the stress and sadness in this life.<br />
Growing up I thought I wanted kids sure...but I never really thought about it in detail...especially not about having them this young-and ideally not by myself. What girl dreams about being a single mom, but in some ways I wouldn't trade my experience. It can be really hard and really frustrating and take all of my time and effort and emotion; but, she is so worth it and I have gotten to really love this little girl. No matter what happens I want her to always know that I always loved her, and I always wanted her. I can't imagine my life without my daughter...my beautiful little KaiLee has been absolutely everything to me. I feel really lucky to have her in my life...to wake up everyday and know that all the heartache, and saddness, and frustration that I carry around is all for her and she helps to make things simpler. <br />
If I could wish anything for someone in this life its this...that they have a little baby girl all their own. Nothing will ever be the same. She makes me believe in magic. She gives me hope. She inspires me. She makes me want to be better. She helps me through. She is MY EVERYTHING. She has the biggest and best part of my heart-and always will. I worry about if I'm doing enough for her sometimes. I hope I am...I try really hard. I sometimes wonder about what her life will be like...how different my life could be if I had a "traditional" family...maybe one day I will...who knows who will come into our lives and who will leave, but as long as we have each other I think it will be okay. I have her to love me...for now that's enough...it might always be enough. I love my daughter with everything that I have and I will do anything it takes to keep her protected, to help her feel loved, happy and secure with who she is. I will do better just for her. She deserves everything. <br />
I wish she would stay little forever...I'm so afraid about being enough for her when she's older...then again the older she gets, the more fun it is. New adventures come into my life as she changes and while I am definitely learning everything from trial and error, the patience I have comes from loving her SO much. Its a strange thing to hold a baby and know that another person's life is in your hands. I think about her so much...about the relationship we will have and the person she will become...if she'll like ballet or basketball, if she will be outgoing or shy, if she will love music the way I do...its all just what if's right now but for the rest of my life I will get to be called Mom and what a privilege it is.b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-29098491020177058302013-01-01T17:29:00.001-08:002013-01-01T17:29:07.053-08:00An Amazing Christmas Present This year for Christmas, my life was changed forever. I had the most beautiful miracle come into my life and I know I will never be the same. At 11:01 on December 20th, I became a Mom. She became mine...and I became hers. My life has already changed so much and it completely revolves around this new little person. Its amazing to think that everything I do is for her-its not about me anymore. Its a pretty cool feeling, but more than that, it is the ultimate gift. I sit and hold her and the more I stare at her the more amazed I am that this adorable little girl is really mine. She is my angel and I truly love her with all my heart. I never understood how much you could love someone until I held her for the first time and everything changed. My perspective about life has changed, my appreciation and love for my parents has grown and my gratitude has become immeasurable.<br />
That being said, labor was quite the experience. I went in at 7:00 in the morning and I wasn't sure what to expect. I remember the night before she was born just laying there...taking it all in and being almost a little sad that the experience of being pregnant was ending. It really is an incredible thing that bonds you to your baby in every possible way. I know its probably funny, but I miss my belly a little bit...feeling her move inside of me is something I really cherished. We walked in and just like that, everything started. They gave me the drugs to start everything and apparently I started having contractions-though I didn't actually feel them for a few hours. I was dilated to a three and slowly moved up as the hours passed. Unfortunately, I got a cold a few hours before I went into labor so I really couldn't breathe super great but I still knew I could do it without the epidural. The hours came and went and the contractions got harder...I dilated to a 7 1/2 and then we were stuck.<br />
My doctor decided I wasn't going to progress and my cervix was not thinning so it was time for a C-Section. I have never felt so scared in my life. I wanted to do whatever was best for my daughter but I was terrified. I did everything right...it was just bad luck. Before I knew it, I had the epidural and there I was on the operating table-only an hour before the world was "supposed to end". The pressure was a strange feeling-being awake for everything. I felt them push on my ribs as they were pulling the baby out but there was no pain. It seemed like five minutes and they were showing me this baby...this 8 pound 13 ounce, 21 1/2 inch long beautiful baby with so much dark hair and big blue eyes and my heart burst. Its almost like you forget that your reward for all this awful pain is a little baby just for you. They only showed her to me for five seconds and then they took her.<br />
Waiting was the hard part...waiting for them to sew me up so I could go and hold my daughter for the first time. It was a little frustrating knowing she was in the nursery and people had already seen her and I still hadn't really, but I finally got to hold her and my whole world changed. There is just one moment of so much emotion. Its like nothing I have ever felt. I fell in love and I knew that my life would be about her for the rest of eternity. I knew that anything she needed, I would find a way to get and that I would do absolutely anything to help her have all of the love, joy, and laughter that she deserves. It truly becomes wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Every time she coughs, or sneezes or cries, all I want to do is make it better and take away her pain. I want her to have everything. I love being the one person who gets to wake up with her at night and feed her, and change her, and take care of her. <br />
That being said, I have been so scared that I am the person in charge of her life right now. I am scared that I'm doing it wrong but I try to just be patient and loving and try my best. I was definitely never one of those girls who played with dolls when I was little and even putting on her little clothes is a new experience for me, but it only makes me appreciate her that much more. I also have come to LOVE and appreciate my Mom so much more than I ever thought I could. I feel so much for what I have put her through-simply because I never knew HOW MUCH she loves me. I love KaiLee with all of my heart and soul...with everything that I am and she has only been in my arms for twelve days...imagine how my Mom must feel when I have been her daughter for 21 years. It is a learning experience, but something that is worth every minute of the hardship.<br />
KaiLee had a few minor technicalities in the hospital and was allowed to come home with me for Christmas on certain conditions. She had to be under lights for her Jaundice and high bily ribon levels...that was probably harder for me than for her...although by the last day she was definitely ready to be done with the lights. I hated not being able to hold her and leaving her in the box. All I wanted to do was snuggle and cuddle my little baby girl but she was such a good baby. She has been a real gift to me and I truly thank God everyday for her. My life has changed, but maybet that's the point. Its hard not to think so deeply about everything that is happening and the sadness that comes with knowing some things will never be the same; but, I think maybe everything DOES happen for a reason...even if we don't know what its supposed to be. There are people who have judged me, laughed at me, ridiculed me and hurt me through this whole thing. I have lost those closest to me that I once called friends and I have been broken down a little bit; but, I think maybe that's the point.<br />
People are always going to let you down, that much is obvious; but, there are times-like this, when you find out who your real friends are...it becomes clear who truly cares about you and that's something that is necessary to find out-at least once in your life. It hurts to lose those that you thought would be there, but it makes the friendships that ARE still there that much stronger, and it makes you that much more grateful for the people who stand by your side. I have been surprised at the number of people who have judged me and written both KaiLee and I off, but I have come to realize that its their loss and with time my heart will heal and all will be okay. I want nothing but the best kinds of people who will love her unconditionally in our life and I am grateful to have found a few real people that I LOVE with all of my heart. <br />
KaiLee is my everything...my heart, my joy, my friend and MY daughter. This was hands down the BEST Christmas I have ever had. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of it and been supportive to us in anyway, we appreciate it more than you know. My heart is full <3 my happiness is great, and my daughter is my forever. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-803780661570460322012-12-09T17:20:00.002-08:002012-12-09T17:20:40.326-08:00Forgive & Forget Today I was thinking about what it means to really forgive someone. The expression forgive and forget always seems to come up and a lot of times people do forgive...or think that they do, but have a lot of trouble forgetting. The question then becomes, is it really forgiveness if you can't forget? I think the main reason people can't forgive is because of the deep hurt that comes along with being offended or hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion, so a lot of people choose to stay angry in order to avoid dealing with what they are really feeling which is probably hurt or betrayal. If actions based entirely on anger occur, its usually not too hard to forgive and move on...its the hurts that are more complex. Using anger really can help block out the emptiness or lonliness we feel. Holding grudges and being angry not only takes a toll on the people we treat that way; but, moreso it takes a toll on us. If your heart is filled with hate and anger you can never really become the best version of yourself. I can't find true peace and happiness until I've learned how to let go of things that don't matter. It does take a lot of energy and conscious effort, but it can be done. I think the more time that has passed, the easier it becomes.<br />
Although, if you let anger and resentment build, it can change you. Sometimes when things happen to me, I have to take a step back and take time to really feel the hurt. Its not when your around other people that you are sad or feel the effects...its in the quiet moments when your all alone that you realize HOW MUCH your heart is hurting. If I stop to think about everything it almost feels like too much to take in. People are always going to disappoint you, that's just how it is. We try to hold people to a higher standard when we believe that everything is going good, but its just not fair. There are just different levels of hurting because people hurt you differently. I think for some people they really can't help it...their life is missing something or they can't feel good about themselves unless they tear you down. I have had that happen in my life and now, enough time has passed to where I feel like it just doesn't matter. I feel pity for those people...I pray for those who hate me, and wish good for those who despitefully use me; but, its always easier to talk about forgiving someone than actually doing it.<br />
That's probably because with most people its not that simple-to just make the choice that you are going to forgive, forget, and actually move on. However, truly it is that simple. So if there are people in my life that maybe haven't earned or deserve my forgiveness, why can't I find it for those people who do? Its because right now its all too fresh. I do hope that people I have hurt or offended will forgive me, and in time I hope I will be able to forgive everyone who ever wrongs me...but wouldn't it be better if we could choose to just not be offended. If things didn't really hurt so much, maybe it wouldn't even be a thought to cross our mind. The truth is we should try really hard to do the very best for everyone we meet and come in contact with. I do hope one day I can be slow to anger and speak softly to others. When I was growing up, my Grandpa used to tell me to have a forgiving view of people and realize that most of them are doing the best they can. I always believed that until recently, but I realized that I shouldn't let a few people change my perspective so dramatically. Most people really ARE trying to do their best and need a little help. To forgive means to cease to feel resentment against. I think forgiveness is important and its something that everyone should try really hard to not only think about, but to do. Make the best from what you have and give the rest a little time.b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-52289239191483754502012-11-28T09:57:00.005-08:002012-11-28T09:57:55.047-08:00SLOW DANCE<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></b><br /></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;">
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Have you ever watched kids</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">On a merry-go-round? </span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Or listened to the rain</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Slapping on the ground?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">You better slow down.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don't dance so fast.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Time is short.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">The music won't last.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do you run through each day</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">On the fly?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">When you ask How are you?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do you hear the reply?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">When the day is done</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do you lie in your bed</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">With the next hundred chores</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Running through your head?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">You'd better slow down</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don't dance so fast.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Time is short.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">The music won't last.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ever told your child,</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">We'll do it tomorrow?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">And in your haste,</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Not see his sorrow?</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ever lost touch,</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Let a good friendship die</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cause you never had time</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">To call and say,"Hi"</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">You'd better slow down.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don't dance so fast.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Time is short.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">The music won't last.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">When you run so fast to get somewhere</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">You miss half the fun of getting there.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">When you worry and hurry through your
day,</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">It is like an unopened gift....</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thrown away.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Life is not a race.</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do take it slower</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><br />
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hear the music</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"></span></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: #351c75;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;">
<b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Before the song is over</span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-83127516235340666402012-11-28T03:58:00.002-08:002012-11-28T03:58:38.844-08:00So tired... I always wanted to believe that life was like a fairytale...there is beauty in the idea. Take Cinderella for example, she ended up getting a pretty sweet ending: a prince, a castle, and she kept all her furry little friends. I was thinking about the song she sings in the beginning of the movie as I woke up this morning. <br />
<br />
A dream is a WISH your HEART makes...<br />
When your fast asleep,<br />
In dreams you will LOSE your HEARTACHE.<br />
Whatever you wish for, you keep. <br />
<br />
Have FAITH in your dreams, and <em>someday</em><br />
Your rainbow will come smiling through...<br />
No matter HOW your heart is GRIEVING<br />
If you keep on BELIEVING, the dream that you wish<br />
WILL come true.<br />
<br />
Cinderella obviously didn't have very many sleepless nights. It is a nice concept...and dreams do sometimes take away the pain-momentarily. Its waking up thats the real tragedy. That moment between dreaming and waking when the clarity is blurred and you remember what real life is. When you forget that your dream was only a dream...and then for some reason its hard to come back to terms with reality; because, you just spent the last however many hours pretending it wasn't real. And sometimes, we can actually convince ourselves that our dreams are real...it makes waking up that much harder. I do wish sleep could help me to escape longer...if I could find a way to actually fall asleep and STAY asleep.<br />
I guess the only way to truly know HOW you feel or WHAT your wish is, is to fall asleep...then you can't lie about it, you can't deny the truth and somewhere within yourself you have to find a place to acknowledge that desire. Its a difficult thing to face because the possibility that it won't come true is always lingering. It doesn't usually occur to me that things won't work out. I want to believe that wonderful things will happen but realistically they just don't. And sad to say, it seems to fall apart all together at the same time..everything just dies and you have to find a way to start over. That's the real challenge. I guess Cinderella never had to wake up.b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-28202933109372015342012-11-15T14:05:00.000-08:002012-11-18T09:02:53.879-08:00Something To Think About<div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">A Birth Certificate shows that we were born</span></span></b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />A Death Certificate shows that we died</span></span></b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />Pictures show that we live<span style="font-size: large;">d <3</span></span></span></b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />That just because two people argue,</span></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />It doesn't mean they don't love each other. </span></span></b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">And just because they don't argue, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">It doesn't mean they do love each other.</span></b></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">That we don't have to change friends if </span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">We understand that friends change.</span></b></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: navy; font-size: large;"><span style="color: navy; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe....</span></span></b><span style="color: navy; font-size: large;"><span style="color: navy; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That no matter how good a friend is, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">they're going to hurt you every once in a while </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">and you must forgive them for that.</span></b></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That true friendship continues to grow, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">even over the longest distance.</span></b></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #813f62; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />Same goes for true love.</span></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe... </span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That you can do something in an instant </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That will give you heartache for life.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> </span><br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #741b47;">I Believe....</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That it's taking me a long time </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">To become the person I want to be.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #741b47;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: cyan; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><span style="color: cyan;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That you should always leave loved ones with </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: olive; font-size: large;"><span style="color: olive; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #3d85c6;">I Believe.... </span></span></span></b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That you can keep going long after you think you can't.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
<span style="color: orange; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I believe...</span><br />
<span style="color: orange; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">That we are responsible for what </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: orange; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">We do, no matter how we feel.</span> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #351c75;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That either you control your attitude or it controls you.</span></b></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs </span></b><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">to be done, regardless of the consequences.</span></b></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: #5f5f5f; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #5f5f5f; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I Believe....</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time</span></b></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">.</span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: deepskyblue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: deepskyblue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />I Believe....</span></span></b><span style="color: deepskyblue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: deepskyblue; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">will be the ones to help you get back up</span></b></span></span><span style="color: #00c1c2; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #00c1c2; font-size: 18pt;">.</span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That sometimes when I'm angry </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">I have the right to be angry, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.</span></b></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #ea9999;">I Believe....</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">birthdays you've celebrated.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #ea9999;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe....</span></span></b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That it isn't always enough, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">to be forgiven by others.</span></b></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.</span></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #8e7cc3;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That no matter how bad your heart is broken</span></b></span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />the world doesn't stop for your grief.</span></span></b></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3;"> </span><br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: navy; font-size: large;"><span style="color: navy; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br />I Believe....</span></span></b><span style="color: navy; font-size: large;"><span style="color: navy; font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That our background and circumstances </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">may have influenced who we are, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">But, we are responsible for who we become.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: olive; font-size: large;"><span style="color: olive; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #351c75;"></span></span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: olive; font-size: large;"><span style="color: olive; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #351c75;"></span></span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: olive; font-size: large;"><span style="color: olive; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #351c75;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That you shouldn't be so eager to find </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #351c75;"> </span><br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: teal; font-size: large;"><span style="color: teal; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #ead1dc;">I Believe....</span></span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><span style="color: #ead1dc;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two people can look at the exact same </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thing and see something totally different.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"> <br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: green; font-size: large;"><span style="color: green; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #ea9999;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><span style="color: #ea9999;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That your life can be changed in a matter of </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hours by people who don't even know you.</span></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: maroon; font-size: large;"><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #20124d;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That even when you think you have no more to give, </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">When a friend cries out to you - </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">you will find the strength to help.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #20124d;"> </span><br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That credentials on the wall </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">do not make you a decent human being</span></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #d5a6bd; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;">I Believe...</span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /><span style="color: #d5a6bd;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">That the people you care about most in life </span></b><br /><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">are taken from you too soon.</span></b></span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #45818e;"> </span><br /><br /> </span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 18pt; font-weight: bold;"><br /><span style="color: #e06666;">I Believe...</span></span></span></b></span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-73110372925211338992012-11-14T10:27:00.002-08:002012-11-15T13:45:43.941-08:00We Really Said Goodbye...<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"> Well, it happened...it really did. Yesterday we said <b>goodbye</b> and she is really <b>gone</b>. It was a pretty <u>overwhelming</u> experience. The whole room was filled with people...all kinds of people. I had never seen so many people. I sat there and listened to stories, and poems, and music-I couldn't help but wonder if she only knew how MANY people cared about her if things could have turned out differently. She brought <i>joy</i> to so many people and she truly was <i>beautiful</i> on the inside and out. Even now, I can't think of her and not see her gorgeous smile...hear her little Jenna laugh and just feel happy. <u>She cared about people</u>. She really made everything so much better. Her life and the person she was enriched the lives of <b>everyone</b> who knew her. She was truly <i>easy to love and hard to let go</i>. Seeing her made everything a lot more real, but sometimes I still feel like she is going to wake up, walk in the door and it will all go away. Truly a tragedy, her family was crushed. I never heard her say one negative thing about anyone else and she really was <u>an amazing example</u> of <b>love</b> and <b>compassion</b>. She had one of those <i>rare hearts</i>...she was a <u>special</u> person. The kind of person we all strive to be. There is so much to be learned from her short years. Maybe she was a <b>gift</b>...a present from God so that for a little while she could stop the hurting and bring a new perspective to light. I love this girl and I will truly miss her. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"> When things like this happen, I can't help but wonder <i>what</i> I'm supposed to learn from it. If everything truly happens for a reason, <u>what is the reason for this</u>. Talking to her Mom leaves me with a vague idea of how awful it would be to outlive your child...but more than that to outlive them because they took their own life. All of the feelings that come associated with it: guilt, regret, love, depression. She was <b>loved</b> so much; but, I guess <i>sometimes love just isn't enough</i>. I have never actually believed that until now. She knew there were people who loved her and it didn't change things for her. Jenna knew her family adored her, she knew despite the problems she was facing that her husband loved her...and she knew we loved her. Death is an <u>impossible </u>thing to deal with in general, but I think its the <b>timing</b> that leaves us devastated. If Jenna hadn't been twenty-seven maybe it wouldn't hurt quite so much. If she had gotten to live past the hard stuff.<i> Its supposed to get better. </i>I wish that she had made it that far. Still, I do hope with <u>all of my heart</u> that she has found her <b>peace</b> and is happy now. I hope <i>all</i> of her insecurities, fears, and worries have <u>melted away</u> and that she is <b>healed</b>. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"> Thinking about her doesn't seem so <i>sad</i>, all of the memories are happy...its thinking about <u>the rest of life without her</u> that's tricky. How do you go on <b>without</b> someone when they have been a great part of your life? How do you not miss her for the big stuff...weddings, babies, shopping, movies, <i>going out to lunch</i>. Its not something I'm likely to <u>forget</u> anytime soon. She will <b>always</b> be <i>in my mind and my heart </i>and I truly am so <u>grateful</u> I was able to meet her and be a part of her life in any way at all. Losing someone so close to you makes you wonder <b>what kind of person</b> you are though. I <i>strive to develop</i> more patience, MORE kindness, I want to let people know that they DO matter. <u>I wish everyone had a friend.</u> I wish that <b>love could conquer </b>all. I think now especially, its so important to <i>try harder</i>. To try to reach out to those who are hurting and <u>find a way to make laughter help heal all</u>. I also think its really crucial to <b>forgive</b>...something I am working on. Something I wish I could<i> let go of</i>, something that can really eat away at you if you let it. How do you forgive and<u> forget</u> though...How do you find the people who are<b> hurting</b> when they seem so genuinely happy. I guess its about finding a way <i>past the act</i>. Its hard to think about <u>all of the people</u> who knew Jenna, <b>who loved her</b>, and who had NO idea she was <i>hurting</i> SO much. For now, I'm <u>choosing</u> to <b>remember her as a blessing and a gift.</b>..I'm choosing to be <i>thankful for the time we did have</i> together, and I'm choosing to<u> never forget.</u> <b>Thank you beautiful Jenna for your life</b>, <i>for your friendship</i> and for your <u>compassion</u>. You will <b>never know</b> how much of a difference you have made for me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />I LOVE YOU...</span></span>
b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-77476119891477194862012-11-09T13:58:00.002-08:002012-11-09T13:58:37.128-08:00What if she's an angel <span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> It seems like everyone is constantly rushing to get on to the next part of their life...a better job, a higher paying career, a different apartment, school, marriage, kids...whatever it may be. I think its good to have an idea of where you want your life to go; but, why be in such a hurry to reach the destination that you miss the journey. How many things would you actually miss if your entire life changed right now? We all complain about jobs...about having to work in general; but, then when we leave that job-and all the people that come along with it, we realize how much we are leaving behind. We never stop to enjoy life right now...exactly the way that it is. Sure, I have a job that bores me to tears...but I work with some of the greatest and most amazing PEOPLE that I truly would miss dearly. Why wait until its gone to start missing it-or appreciating it. We take the little things for granted...especially the people that are in our lives due to circumstance rather than choice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I wonder how much we actually know about the people that we spend everyday with. Do you see the heartache or are we just consumed with our own problems. I believe some people are put into our lives just to help us remember to stop and appreciate the things we do have. Its always hard to wonder what we could have done differently or how we could have tried harder to help those around us...the ones who really needed it. Although its not our responsibility to define the happiness that comes into the lives of our peers, we should at least try to contribute to it. Love is a want for everyone sure, but more than that it is a NEED. Everyone needs to feel loved. What happens when that stops...when you've been betrayed or let down so many times that you actually believe you will never be loved by anyone...and how must that feel. To not be able to trust anyone is possibly the biggest burden someone could ever carry, and yet we do the same thing over and over to the people around us...we write them off or let things slide when we KNOW they need more. How many people slide through life doing just enough to get by...because its easier-or because selfishness consumes us. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> There are experiences in life that make us lose faith...and its sad-its hard, it really is; but, it defines the kind of person we truly will become. I have met people who refuse to forgive OR forget and who live the rest of their life bitter and afraid...of love, of trusting...of needing. On the other hand, I have also met people who let experiences make them stronger and maybe are a little more careful the next time around-but don't give up. When things happen to you, its hard to know which path to take. Certainly there are things to be angry and HURT about...and sometimes the hurt is so deep it could consume you for the rest of your life-if you choose to let it. But, it is really hard to try and learn and move on...to open up again...to risk having the same thing happen. So do you let fear shape you...and the way you treat new people-do you hurt them because you can't forgive whats happened in the past, or do you try again. Some people just can't face the possibility of starting over and choose to end it all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Decision are what shape us...our lives...the person we choose to be and the person we become. Its something everyone has to learn to do. Its something that I struggle with immensely...but know that I have to face. And the thing is, our decisions really don't just affect us...they affect everyone around us-especially those closest to us. How hard it is not to wish that you could change the decisions of the people around you. </span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-85078215208903872592012-10-17T11:09:00.000-07:002012-10-17T11:09:00.254-07:00Memories Its funny how some things never really change. There are places I go and memories come flooding in; but, it really feels like I never left at all. Last week, I went to my little sister's choir concert at the one and only beautiful Roy High...my old stomping ground, and it was crazy to realize how little things had changed. The buildings of course are the same, but more than that its the whole environment. The teachers are the same, the music is the same, and the kids in High School are still the SAME. Technically they are different people but its easy to pick out the plastics of the group, the jocks, the one boy with his guitar, the girl who plays the piano...its all the same. For my sister, she is just barely experiencing it all (and of course she is sitting in a much different seat then I did), but a part of me was glad for her innocence.<br />
I was glad that she hasn't experienced any real TRUE pain yet. She hasn't had her heart broken or let herself be changed by the one boy who was supposed to be "the one." She hasn't let her life become defined by the status of her current relationship. Her best friend...the one she couldn't imagine life without, the one that she would never even picture living without hasn't left or given up on her yet. The quiet boy with the guitar that has so much talent hasn't committed suicide and left a hole in her life, and she still has faith and finds JOY in the little things. She isn't broken.<br />
I was such a different person in High School. When your going through it, it all feels a little surreal and you think that your life is being defined by everything that's happening. The most important decisions you make are which classes to take, what grades to get, which sports to try out for and which friends to pursue. The truth is, in five years none of it will really matter. Its only been three for me and I am already so different. I have had things happen in my life that have changed me and drastically changed my perspective. It seems truly ridiculous to think of the things that seemed so important back then...even the people. I think I sometimes tend to resent my sister for the happiness and utter ridiculous things that she has right now. I don't know if I'm just afraid it will all go away for her or if I just feel like she doesn't understand the way things really are; but, either way its crazy to see how much three years can change you.<br />
Honestly, its crazy how much one year can change you. College was the greatest time of my life and I really miss it a lot, everything about it: the classes, the teachers, the interaction, the roommates, the social life, and even the homework. I knew it wouldn't last forever but that is one adventure that helped me find joy and meaning in my life. When I moved to Colorado, I had NO idea how much my life would change...I had no idea how much I would change. Its hard to think back, even now and wonder what was the turning point for everything spiraling downward. At the beginning it was all new and fun...I had my brothers and my cousin and we all spent a lot of time together. As I began to meet new people, I was exposed to a lot of new things and gradually it all just fell apart.<br />
Its hard to think that my cousin and I have such different lives now. We were only twenty and nineteen when we moved out there...just roommates who shared a job and a life. Now, she is a wife and I'm about to become a Mom. I lost pieces of myself, I gave for the first time in my life. I really TRIED to be a person worth knowing and I really loved my life for a while. I made a lot of friends, I loved my job, and for a moment it felt like my life was exactly what I wanted it to be. As my brothers started to leave, and my cousin started to...shall we say "seriously date", I realized that nothing ever stays the same for very long. I tried to adapt and change along with my new life but I think it was all just too much too fast and I fell into a meaningless pattern. I was always a lot different than most of the people in Colorado and at the end, all I wanted was to fit in. I wanted to be normal and accepted...most people do I suppose; but, more than that, I just wanted to find love.<br />
A lot of people have always told me that I have fairytale ideas about love and what its supposed to be like. I never really wanted to be a princess, but I was very much overcome by the sweet, sappy, romantic notions that came with happily ever after. I believed that love could be just like my favorite book. I wanted the magic. It seemed so appealing...to find that one person who is not only your best friend, but the LOVE of your life...someone to come home to who makes you laugh, lets you cry, and stays by your side FOREVER. Of course stupidly enough, I wanted this to be a man...lets be realistic here! I guess what I've realized is that love doesn't come around everyday. Its rare and beautiful but most people don't know how to give it. I believe that love is a choice...a decision you make that changes everything-as it should.<br />
I'd like to think that everyone out there has the capacity to love...a huge heart ready and willing to TRY and at least make it work. I was let down in a big way, and I kind of learned to accept it; but, I have also learned that happily ever after isn't about riding off into the sunset with a prince. My life is different yes, but pretty soon, there will still be one person who I WILL love FOREVER, who will make me laugh and cry, someone to come home to and give my life meaning. It might not be the person I dreamed about, but somehow I think its even better. b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-7298352721371690292012-09-26T13:43:00.002-07:002012-09-26T13:44:56.874-07:00Random... <span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> Lately , it seems like everything is going wrong...not just for me, I mean in general. Yesterday my friend was in a car accident and later that day, my other friend had to rush her son to Primary Children's Hospital for something they never knew about. Today my uncle's mother will probably die, and yesterday was the funeral for my cousin's two year old son who drowned in a bathtub. Why do things like this happen...its hard not to wonder why there is so much tribulation and trauma in the world. It all seems to happen right at the same time too...life will be fine and before you know it, everything seems to turn upside down. The real question is, how many of us stop to notice how the storm is affecting others beside yourself. I think its really easy to get caught up in MY problems, MY worries, and MY heartache; and, when I stop long enough to realize that there is other pain around me I begin to feel like the most selfish person alive.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> Everyone has different problems sure, and everyone experiences different TYPES of pain...but that doesn't make it any less real or awful for them. I believe that its important to stop for other people, to recognize the love others may be in need of. I think lately I have been so caught up in my own drama that I have forgotten to be compassionate, empathetic, or even considerate to the trials of those around me. I have been thinking about everything that is going on with my friends and my family and though it may sound sadistic, its actually comforting. I don't enjoy other people's pain and I certainly don't wish for problems or difficulties to arise for those I love, but it is nice to feel needed and help someone else; because, just for a little while it helps MY problems to fade and MY heartache to dim. I think that's the point...we are sent here to help each other aren't we. The past year has by far been the hardest of my life and I have started to see that though the world isn't the beautiful, shiny, place I once thought it was...it still holds enchantment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: small;">Maybe the magic in the world isn't found simply from living in it...maybe the magic is discovered when bad things happen and people step up. That's the real miracle...watching people change and develop into strong, courageous, REAL people to look up to and admire. These are the kinds of people who give us hope..who make us better. For me at least, it helps me look at a challenge as something that can be overcome-instead of a dream that has died. The hardest thing we all do is think what if...look to the past...REGRET...cry; and honestly, at the end of the day what is the point? It doesn't seem to help. It certainty doesn't change anything and it only makes it harder. So, we have to learn to look ahead, to try and laugh again, to find the FUN in life and to stop to help those who have forgotten. Its hard to imagine the effect of circumstances on anyone else, but the truth is, its NOT all about me. Sure my life has changed, but I believe that the most wonderful miracle of all will come out of the nightmare. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I would like to believe that I am capable of being a person who can believe in something again...but we all aspire to do more. I want to inspire. I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to LIVE again. And maybe that means I will start searching for my answers in others problems. If I can help someone else, then something good has come out of my experience. If I can LEARN and GROW instead of shrink and hide, I will be a better person because of it. There is so much SADNESS in the world. Grief is not something anyone can truly handle or overcome alone. Bad things happen to good people and the world changes because it has to...WE have to. If we go through life and do nothing to help another person..if we MISS that, what have we truly learned or gained? What is the point without that? I think its the most important part of living...its the most important part of being me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Every part of life involves some kind of challenge, and when presented with the hard ones...you can give up or you can FIGHT BAC</span>K!! You can get up and change the things that you ARE in control of and you can change your attitude. Its so much easier said than done, but if we are all truly the author of our life stories, then its time to take back the pen. I especially have to STOP letting other people dictate my choices and my happiness. There will ALWAYS be those who will continually let you down, but it doesn't mean that you should lose YOUR faith. The truth is there are people who will never rise to the occasion, who will never learn this; and, while that is sad...it is something we will all deal with at one point or another. The sadness will always come; but, we can change the outcome. I can change the outcome. I can choose to TRY. </span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-63272660661790749972012-09-14T14:19:00.002-07:002012-09-14T14:19:30.278-07:00Over<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I feel like I am ALWAYS rambling on about music, but I just can't help it. I LOVE music! It changes everything. Of course usually, all it does is increase or intensify the feelings or mood you are already in-but why should that make it less special? There are a few songs that truly touch through to my soul (cliche? yes) and make me feel like someone in the bizarre universe actually understands how I am feeling. I had one of these ridiculous moments last night when I was listening to the song by Blake Shelton called Over.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Now let me analyze this a little....</span><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If I <b>could</b><br />
I would <i>dare</i><br /><u>Feed your dreams</u>
<br /><span style="font-size: large;">And starve your fears</span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Okay, stop. AH!!! Its already perfect. I love it. Saps like me FEED off of this crap. Its wonderful and I-being a lover of writing, TRULY appreciate the language in the first four lines!! FEED YOUR DREAMS and STARVE YOUR FEARS? Its perfect!!! Its too good to be true-that much is obvious but somehow it just makes this fictional character-aka Blake Shelton SO freaking wonderful. It does seem to give a little hope...I know but I only said a <i>little</i>. Now let me reiterate that when you are completely depressed and sobbing out of your mind sad, this song does make it worse. Okay, now the rest of the verse. </span></span> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />If I </span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>could</b><br /><i>Light</i>
the world<br />
We could sit<br />
And <u>watch it burn</u><br />
We could fall asleep inside the <span style="font-size: large;">glow</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I do feel like this part is kinda cool too, but its not my most favorite-brings goosebumps-causes tingly kinda feelings. Still..it is Blake and that's classy.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So tell me what I gotta do to <b>win you over</b><br />
You'll <i>never</i> have to <i>wonder if </i>you need another<br />
You'll <u>never</u> have to wonder if I <u>understand</u><br /><span style="font-size: large;">And every time you reach for me you'll find a hand out</span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'm telling you, these words are MAGIC :) I love them. Its like every stupid silly ridiculous hopeless romantic's perfect idea of what love should really be like. Do we all believe in it? No, and in fact hardly any do...song writers of course can say whatever they want that sells; because, its the dramatics that make the money. But me? I love it for the honest pure innocence of the words that I dream could happen one day. It creates the truly ideal character...who puts in REAL effort, is there when it matters most and is someone you can ALWAYS rely on. I know, no one like that actually exists-but the thought is so endearing its hard not to fall in love with! The words are beautiful...I love Blake. </span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If I <b>could</b></span></span><br /><i>Take you in</i>
<br /><u>Feeling</u>
you <u>deep</u><br /><span style="font-size: large;">Beneath my skin</span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
Then I <b>could</b><br /><i>Slip away</i>
<br />
With <u>you </u>as a poison in <u>my</u> veins<br /><span style="font-size: large;">I don't wanna fall asleep alone</span>
<br /><b>And wake up knowing that I died without the one</b></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b></b></span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Okay, stop. Again, too perfect. Is this not how every freaking girl in America feels? Obviously the physical comfort of being held in the arms of another is one thing too wonderful to describe, but the emotion behind it is what makes it so honest. No one likes to fall asleep alone...For me especially its the time when you feel most lonely-most vulnerable, the most broken. We all dream of falling asleep beside someone who loves us. The feeling of waking up actually feeling safe or happy instead of dreading facing another day...it makes quite a difference. Besides who doesn't want to be poison in someone's veins? It would just be cool. That's all. </span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />So </span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>tell me </b>what I gotta do to <b>win you over</b><br />
You'll <i>never have to wonder</i> if you need another<br />
You'll never have to wonder if I <u>understand</u><br /><span style="font-size: large;">And every time you reach for me you'll find a hand out</span>
<br />
Ohhh<br /><br />
If I
<b>could</b><br /><i>I would dare</i>
<br /><u>Feed your dreams</u>
<br /><span style="font-size: large;">And starve your fears... </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Considering both of those are repeats, I think its fairly obvious how I feel about this song. It is <u>wonderful</u>. Truly awesome. Of course I was crying my eyes out .. listen to it! Gosh its <i>perfect</i>. <span style="font-size: large;">A dream that seems so far out of reach</span>...something that might not ever come my way, but I'll dream it anyway. I'll always dream it <b>anyway</b>. </span></span></span></div>
b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-15019529371244231752012-09-11T13:09:00.001-07:002012-09-12T19:17:50.023-07:00Little Brother <span style="font-family: inherit;"> <b><span style="font-size: large;"> I have a little brother who changes everything. He is truly the BEST and greatest friend I have ever had. Not only is the kid a walking joke box, but he makes everyday feel like a competition for the most laugh's. Growing up with him was anything but dull. He has the kind of personality that just lights up a room. Sometimes it would be as if everyone would just wait for him to talk; because, we never knew exactly what was going to come out of his mouth. Playing games and sports was ALWAYS entertaining-of course you would agree if you had your own private announcer too-but more than that, he truly made life feel like a gift. When I am around my wonderful little brother...oh the difference it makes. I learned to count on that kid in ways I just couldn't with anybody else.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> He was one of those boys who never quite knew how to handle tears-I don't think that has changed either, but I still could go to him and he would find a way to make me laugh it off. I'm not really a person who likes to talk about feelings and people and drama, so I knew if I was sad that I could just go to him and he would help me find a way to forget the sadness. It worked for both of us, and it has been the ultimate relationship in my life. My little brother is special...he has a place so deep in my heart that he could never be replaced. I connect with him much better than anyone else in my family and I always wondered if he knew that. Watching him grow always made me want to be better-if for no one else, for him.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> Currently he is half a world away in Nicaragua and although he has only been gone for two months, I miss him DEEPLY. There are so many things you just don't notice until they are gone. There are certainly situations that will remind us of someone or something,but there are also things that will never be the same without that one person. Its in everything that I do. Now, I'm sure that a lot of me missing him has to do with the fact that I'm living in his old room-that in and of itself is a GIANT reminder, but its in everything else too...watching football, playing cards, listening to ANY kind of music or just watching a favorite movie-it all happened with him.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> This is the first time in my life without him and the difference is unbearable at times; but, mostly I just feel really lucky to have such an incredible person not only as my friend, but as my little brother. Words just cannot adequately express my love and joy that continually grow because of this boy. I know I'm the older one, but I learn so much from him that you would think it was opposite. I would be content to just be his shadow. I know what a difference he can make because I know what a BIG heart he has. He works hard, plays harder and understands the important things in life-but will still make sure that there is time for the little things. He's smart, motivated, and above all he is KIND. My brother has always been there for me and for this I will never truly be able to say thank you. </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> There are just some people who change you. He has done that for me for nineteen years. I can't imagine life without him, and even though he is gone...he is a big part of what keeps me going. His unconditional love has changed my heart and touched my soul. Thank goodness for little brothers <3 </span></b></span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-8051688357076551582012-08-19T12:44:00.007-07:002012-08-19T12:44:50.770-07:00My Favorite Things :) <span style="font-size: large;"> I was singing that song from The Sound of Music today...yes I know random-but it made me start thinking about some of my favorite things. It really does make me laugh how different everyone is-everyone has their own favorite things but here a few of mine...</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: orange;">Peanut Butter</span></b> :)<br />
The difference between playing the <i>black and white</i> keys on the piano<br />
Dangle earrings<br />
Hearing a really old song on the radio and remembering every word<br />
Office supplies<br />
<u>Pictures</u> <3<br />
The way one song can remind you of someone else forever<br />
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Fuzzy socks</div>
Always sleeping with a <b><span style="color: purple;">blanket</span></b>, even if its not cold<br />
Daises :)<br />
Big flowers in little girl's hair<br />
All things <i>disney</i><br />
Watching <u>any kind of sport</u> and remembering why I love them<br />
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Harry potter!!!!</div>
Frozen burritos, slurpee's, and toquitos <br />
Having <b><span style="color: blue;">every</span></b> color of eye shadow just because they all sparkle differently <br />
Cuddling <3<br />
Writing cheesy poems that I hardly let anyone read<br />
<i>Fluffy</i> pillows <br />
Music that can describe <u>exactly</u> how you feel<br />
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Chocolate</div>
Long-I mean like ridiculously long showers<br />
<b><span style="color: lime;">Crying</span></b> at sappy movies<br />
Braids<br />
Everything about going to school that everyone else hates :)<br />
Singing<br />
Riding in the car with<i> all the windows down</i> and my hair blowing everywhere<br />
Dancing <br />
VOLLEYBALL, soccer, BASKETBALL, and softball<br />
Ice Cream<br />
Reading my favorite parts of my favorite books in a <u>bubble bath</u><br />
The RAIN <3<br />
Playing the <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">piano</span> when I'm all by myself<br />
Rice<br />
The color blue-BYU!<br />
Knowing there are some people you haven't talked to in years that are still your friends<br />
The sound of a <b><span style="color: #783f04;">guitar</span></b><br />
<i>Letters</i> from my wonderful and amazing best friend and little brother<br />
Writing<br />
Little boys who love to play with cars and transformers<br />
<u>Laughter</u><br />
Memorizing the best quotes off of sappy movies and saying them out loud with the character<br />
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Picture frames</div>
Donuts and chocolate milk on a <b><span style="color: red;">Saturday morning</span></b><br />
<i>The zoo </i><br />
Waking up to the smell of waffles<br />
Girl's night<br />
Watching my parents be <u>just as in love</u> today as they were 23 years ago<br />
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Sunday dinners</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Anyway, that's just a FEW random things that I love :) The end. </span><br />
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<br />b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-16993757129025995322012-08-09T13:14:00.002-07:002012-08-09T13:15:29.385-07:00baby on the mind<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> <b>There is something about a baby...holding one, looking at one, talking to one-its just different. It really becomes super hard to focus on anyone else around you because you just become absorbed...at least I do. People talk and I can't even comprehend what's being said because I'm so amazed, completely in awe at the miracle before me. It's the little things that seem so magical...like the twitch of their nose or the flicker of their eye...the way they wrap their little hand around one finger and the amazingly precious little sounds they make when they fall asleep cuddled to your chest. </b></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"> It seems like nothing else matters. For some reason I have always felt like babysitting was never really work...I mean they cry but its just sad. All I want to do is find some way to stop their little heart from crying...most girls do I guess-we want to comfort. Of course that's always easier said than done..when you have a baby who has been crying for hours it becomes a little hard to have the same kind of patience-but you find it; usually, after you have them settled down and your just staring into their face as they eat. I really love holding a baby...</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"> Lately though, it feels different...holding a baby. It makes me think a lot more I guess. It feels more real...strangely more comforting. Like when I don't want to be around people (which honestly is most days), I just need to hold my beautiful baby cousin and everything else melts away...all the trouble, all the problems, the stress, the worry...it fades because I know that at the end of the day there is just nothing more incredible. Babies bring such peace it almost seems like the crying, the changing, and the feeding all seem rather small compared to the joy that is brought because of their existence. There are times when I actually miss feeling like that...although still terrifying, I think eventually everything will be okay.</span></b></div>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-56299850377645275882012-08-03T15:41:00.000-07:002012-08-03T15:41:41.687-07:00a broken heart that the world forgot...<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
Words...there are an infinite number and yet they all pretty much do the same thing. Verbs, adjectives and nouns all serve one purpose which is usually to describe. To describe how we feel, emotions, feelings, particular events or places..the list is endless. Why then, is it so difficult to find the words to describe our own feelings about things? You would think it would be easy...words are never ending. There are millions of words that all mean the same thing and yet there are some words people will just never-or rather can never say. It really is strange how words seem to change everything; although, sometimes it is the connotation or the timing that has the lasting effect. Yet, whenever there are important conversations that come up it always seems crucial to choose the right words. Of course how often does that actually work out for any of us...hardly ever does it seem that you can say what you want to say the way you want to say it-we're just not that lucky.</div>
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However, time doesn't really seem to help. There are still hundreds of times I think about what I should have said, and I still have no idea-possibly because I don't usually understand how I feel myself. How incredibly tricky words can be...And for that matter, why is it that some words mean so much more than others. I really wonder if the world would be such a traumatic place to live if people didn't just feed off of false words. So why do we do it? Well, desperation for one. I have been on both sides of it, and neither one leaves you feeling very good. There were times when I knew people didn't mean everything they said, but because it was nice to HEAR, I just went along with it...knowing they didn't really feel the same. On the other hand, there are those people who don't say anything at all and that can sometimes be hard to swallow too. It seems cruel. I don't really understand saying or doing things just because they are the "right" things to say or do. I would rather have someone be honest than to just lie over and over again. </div>
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There are millions of people like me though...mostly girls sure-who sometimes live off of hearing what we want to; and, consequently it can really bring on a LOT of unwanted heartache and pain once all of the glamor and sparkle fades away. When the blinds are removed and you can finally see the picture clearly, you start to wonder what it was you were looking at in the first place...everything seems SO different. I wish i was better with words. Every once in a while I feel like I accomplished most of what I wanted to; but, honestly its usually through my writing. There is something about writing that is magical. The words seem to flow...you don't have to think or pause or wonder what your feeling in order to write. It just comes. I truly love to write, I always have. I just wish I could be more effective in real conversation, maybe then I wouldn't be where I am now. </div>
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Talking to people is not as easy as it seems. What a basic skill it should be and yet for some people-namely me, its one that may take a lifetime to develop. I always wonder why I shy away from confrontation so much...to the point of letting people walk on me. That's not who I want to be, I just worry so much..about everything. I worry about how one conversation can change every aspect of a relationship. I wonder about putting my true feelings out there to be rejected, and I wonder about how I handle things on my own. People are always telling me not to let it bottle up and reach out...talk or something. But I"m just NOT like that. I don't open up to many people..and even then its only a little at a time (over a long period of time sometimes). But, the more you open up and make yourself vulnerable, and the more that trust becomes betrayed..the harder it is to open up at all. There are still people who know me the best that I still have a hard time opening up to all the way. Does it bother me? Yes. Why can't I seem to move past it? I don't know. It sucks though. </div>
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There are also times when it seems like words aren't needed...those are my FAVORITE times. Body language is pretty straight forward, but there is communication in eye contact (or rather lack of eye contact for some people) and in the way our actions are interpreted. Sometimes, when I can't find the words there are people who understand...I LOVE these people. I wish I was better gifted with words. I wish I could say what I really want to when I want to and not be so SO afraid that I let it stop me from opening my mouth at all. I just wish I was different. Its really strange for me to think about it honestly, because the truth is I wasn't always like that...I wonder what changed it or rather who changed it; but, I don't think it was one big event. I think slowly over time I let other things and other people dominate my thinking so much to the point of no return. Its strange how much of yourself you can lose when you try for so long to give give give and when someone continually takes, you wonder at the end of the day what you really have left to give YOURSELF. Right now-more often than not, I wonder what I have to give. I feel completely burned out and, the sad part is even after everything I learned (from the hard ways I learned them), sometimes I still feel like the same old hanging on words kind of girl.</div>
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I think that's fair in one aspect, I mean we all want to be loved and accepted-especially when things happen and you start to wonder if you really are. That feeling is just not fun. The more alone you feel, the easier it is to isolate yourself from everything and everyone around you; consequently, it becomes harder to reintegrate yourself later. I do feel pretty alone these days but I just wonder why it matters so much. Why do I feel compelled to need at all? Sure things happen and most of your friends show their true colors leaving you ... different. But, disappointment is just part of life. The good thing is, its usually pretty easy to ignore, or at least pretend to forget about; but, there are those ever so cruel and frequent reminders that leave us thinking...lingering on the thought of loneliness and pain. Its the little things..the things no one else notices that hurt the most, like watching other people do things you feel like you might never get to do or recognizing that your dreams...your life...your greatest moments may be behind you. There is nothing but expectations and pressure from everyone else because they don't see most of how I feel. I'm very good at that...at least with my own family. It seems appropriate to just dismiss it too because how can you ever begin to describe how deep the heartache goes, and for so many different reasons...its impossible. No one will ever understand. </div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> The worst thing is though, sometimes you want to talk to someone but you have gotten so incredibly good at pushing people away that there's no one left...and in their defense, maybe they don't understand that you are reaching out-but it still hurts. The ridiculous thing is instead of actually trying, its much easier to just...hide. Why do we convince ourselves that it's easier to go through things alone rather than try to let someone else help? We all know that its not...what gives it away I wonder? Hm...the crying yourself to sleep every night, the withdrawn feeling always lurking or the realization that it doesn't really matter if you remember your phone in the morning or not-because no one calls anyway...truth is life is kinda brutal sometimes and you just have to smile through the pain. Its a valuable lesson...one I think eventually everyone will learn at one point or another, but one thing is for certain-I will understand EXACTLY how it feels.</span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-19255751143917579992012-06-30T14:27:00.001-07:002012-06-30T14:28:47.330-07:00xoxoxo <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I have always and WILL always LOVE country music. When people say they don't like it, I genuinely do NOT understand. I love ALL music though, and I believe it has the most amazing healing powers. After all, what else can change your attitude...what else can help you find the words to describe things you are feeling? NOTHING! Truly, I love music; although, I'm not about to ramble on again about how much I love music-like I always do. No, this is merely to explain my real post. I found a song, a song I have known for quite a while really; but, I listened to it differently this time. Instead of just singing along, I really LISTENED to the lyrics and I realized I had finally found a song worthy of explaining my feelings for the last three months of my life. Music has a way of making us grateful, I think its because it helps us discover how much we really have. It reminds us that things can always be worse and that the truly important things in life are always there when we look. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I never actually use names in my blog, I'm not sure why. I think the mystery is fun. Anyway, while my life has changed, my location, my friend status...my feelings, my clothes, my mode of transportation, my job, there is one thing that has remained constant and wonderful-my angel. Cliche much? Of course...it is me speaking after all...still, he has been the one great and maybe only friend through everything. Gratitude is a hard thing to express sometimes. There aren't always adequate words or actions that come close to saying thank you. To him, I will never find a way. He has been the BEST friend in spite of everything I have put him through. Every once in a while, I feel like God sends us special presents; but, by far he is the greatest surprise I have ever gotten. No one else could have been so patient, so KIND, or so helpful as he has been. I feel lucky really. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"> There are people you meet in life that inspire you, there are people you look up to, and there are people that just make you a better person. Fortunately, he has been everything and more for me. I feel like he has saved my life in so many ways. When everything seemed wrong and confusing, he gave me something to believe in...he restored my hope-and, through it all he has gained my trust, my utmost and most sincere appreciation, and most importantly-my heart. People come in and out of your life for certain reasons and not everyone stays around for the whole thing. I have to say, I have experienced the feelings of loss, I have lost people closest to me, and at some point I have had people who chose to leave; but, it all led me to him. No matter what happens, I know we will always be friends. Even if I had to go through everything I am just for him, I still got the better end of the deal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Its hard not to spend your lfie wishing or dreaming. There are things you will always want...no matter what. There are things that seem completely out of reach; but just because the fantasy CHANGES doesn't mean it won't bring joy and peace to your life. Regardless, I will always wish that I could be different...that things between us could be different, or simply that I could find some way to be half as great of friend to him as he has been to me. There just is no other way then to say he has changed my life and from the bottom of my heart I will ALWAYS be so thankful for his support. I think its crucial to have someone in your life who reminds you why its FUN to be yourself. Someone who makes you smile, helps you LAUGH and makes life into a wonderful song. Without that...its much too easy to forget the important things-find someone who can help you dream again...at least believe in the possibility. That's the point. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Anyway, this song basically hits it on the head-the way I feel about him. How can I ever say thank you enough...</span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Blake Shelton. God Gave Me You</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've been a walking <strong>heartache</strong><u>I've made a mess of me</u>The person that I've been lately</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>Ain't</strong> who I wanna be</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">But you <span style="color: red;">stay</span> here right beside me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And watch as the storm blows through</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I<strong> need</strong> you</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Cause <em>God gave me you</em> for the ups and downs</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">God gave me you for the <u>days of doubt</u>And for when I think I <span style="color: orange;">lost my way</span>There are no words here left to say, it's true</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><em>God gave me you</em>Gave me you</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">There's more here than what we're seeing</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><u>A divine conspiracy</u>That you, an angel lovely</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Could somehow fall for me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">You'll always be love's great martyr</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I'll be the flattered fool</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I <strong>need</strong> you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yeah!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">God gave me you for the<span style="color: purple;"> ups and downs</span><strong>God gave me you</strong> for the days of doubt</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And for when I think I lost my way</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are no words here left to say, it's true</span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">God gave me you</span></em><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><u>On my own I'm only<br />Half of what I could be<br />I can't do without you<br />We are stitched together<br />And what love has tethered<br />I pray we never undo</u>Cause <span style="color: orange;">God gave me you</span> for the ups and downs</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">God gave me you for the <strong>days of doubt</strong>God gave me you for the<em> ups and downs</em>God gave me you for the days of doubt</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And for when I think I lost my way</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><u>There are no words here left to say, it's true<br />God gave me you, gave me you.</u>He gave me you. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">He gave me you...</span></div>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-31721614709838539932012-06-07T14:18:00.000-07:002012-06-07T14:18:09.874-07:00The Tower <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I love to </span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">write</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">...stories, feelings, thoughts, impressions...everything; but, lately it has been extremely </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">difficult</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> to find the words-</span><u style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">any</u><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> words. Mostly, its because</span> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">I don't understand</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> exactly how I'm feeling-not about anything, and that makes it hard to put into words. My life has changed a<span style="background-color: white;"> <span style="color: red;">lot</span> </span>over the last month. Life is <b>supposed</b> to be about <i>finding out</i> <u>who</u> you are...but when is it ever that </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">easy</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> When I was a little girl, there was a <span style="color: orange;">park</span> by my house. It was right next to the softball field I played on <b>thousands</b> of times. I went there <i>countless</i> times for my games, my cousin's games...practice's, and the list goes on. But, the <u>significance</u> of this park had nothing to do with that and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">everything</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> to do with <span style="color: #a64d79;">a tower</span>. A tower to a <b>child</b> of course is nothing at all. I could climb up it in about one minute flat after all, how high could it have been? Except <i>to me it was</i>...a giant <u>castle</u>-my own personal </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">haven</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">. I used to sit up there and <span style="color: #ffd966;">watch everyone else</span>. The kids on the swings, the person at bat, the sound of the crowd, it all came from <b>my</b> tower. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I spent so much time <i>watching other people </i>and wondering about <u>their</u> lives, I started-even then-caring </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">more</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> about other people than <span style="color: #8e7cc3;">myself</span>. It was always much more fascinating to<b> dream</b> up a life or a personality for a stranger than to think about my <i>ordinary</i> life. For some reason, this month I have been <u>thinking</u> about that tower. I have been </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">longing to return</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> to a time when life was so <span style="color: #3d85c6;">simple</span>...so private. Its no secret I'm <b>not</b> a <i>stranger to mistakes</i>; but, when your little it just doesn't matter...not the way it does <u>now</u>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">Focusing</span><span style="font-size: large;"> on myself is a <span style="color: #ea9999;">hard</span> thing for me. I try <b>really hard</b> to be a considerate, compassionate, and thoughtful person <i>to others</i>. It's much <u>easier</u> to worry about all of the other millions of problems in the world then to let </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">all of my</span><span style="font-size: large;"> grief and my heartache <span style="color: #93c47d;">consume</span> me...so I <b>hide</b> it-I <i>bury</i> it. I <u>always </u>have. I let things </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">bottle up</span><span style="font-size: large;"> and I deal with a lot on my own, <span style="color: red;">in my own way</span>; but, lately I have had to do a <b>lot</b> of <i>self reflecting</i> and its been hard to discover the <u>coward</u> I have become. </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">Fear is such a pointless emotion.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> It <span style="color: orange;">consumes</span> everything and everyone...it <b>dictates decisions</b> and <i>action</i>. The sad thing is, I'm still that little girl from the tower-<u>at heart</u> I'm still observing life from a </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">safe point</span><span style="font-size: large;">, instead of <b>living</b> it. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> The <i>challenge</i> now, is <u>learning</u> to climb down from the tower and </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">take control of myself and my life.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> No doubt its something I <span style="color: #a64d79;">should</span> have learned a while ago, but...better late than never-I <b>hope</b>. </span></span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-82731151557218373542012-05-05T17:18:00.002-07:002012-05-05T17:18:58.901-07:00<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> I grew up in Utah...that much is obvious-at least to those people who know me; but, saying that entails so much more than my Colorado people realize. It means even from a young age, I wanted the fairy tale. The rest of the world thinks that marriage is more like an option rather than a priority...there is always "time later" to find someone and raise a family-AFTER. That stupid word drives me crazy...after I'm successful in my career, after I finish school, after I'm financially stable, and the list goes on. I don't understand why people continually put off the most important thing.And, for that matter, why is it that I'm continually criticized for wanting that. People here just don't understand...the only advice they have to offer is the reminder of my youth."Your only twenty...you have plenty of time." Great...downplay my heartache because I'm not old enough to supposedly know what "real love" is. Mostly all of my friends are married, engaged, or have kids; and, it's easy to feel lost in the shuffle...to feel like I'm being left behind because I haven't found that yet. It wasn't really on my mind until this last year, and for a minute I desperately wanted the security-the fulfillment, the joy that comes from having that one person you can tell everything to, laugh with, trust completely and cry with...forever and ever. And, because of that, I lost myself a little bit. I tried SO hard to make it work that I didn't care about all the little things that should matter. This year, I truly fell in love for the first time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> Of course at first, nothing matters...there are no flaws to be seen, no fights to be had, and no tears to be shed. Its all stars and smiles...laughter fills up every day and the thought that it might not work never arises. There is never time to stop and consider that maybe that person won't feel the same. Everything I saw was beautiful...HE was beautiful. I have never truly opened my heart so much to one person and because of that, I wasn't cautious at all. I couldn't help but give the entire thing to him-the only person I ever have. Of course early on I didn't think it was love...mostly infatuation and giddiness; but, as time passed by and my complete and utter trust was dented, I realized there was nothing I wouldn't endure...nothing I wouldn't fight for...nothing I wouldn't do for him. This realization both thrilled and terrified me; but, instead of fight it I decided to just give in and go with it. Things happened, people came in between us, lies started flowing freely and soon I realized I was in love with a person who wasn't on the same page as me...not about anything. That hurt. Especially because as our time together decreased, as the text messages changed, as we grew apart...I realized I missed him in a way that nothing else could replace. The emptiness and loneliness I began to feel is indescribable. My heart was broken for the first time. No matter what I did, who I talked to, or what song I played, nothing changed that. I wasn't sure what to do-I had NO idea how to handle it. There are no rules, no guide, no recipe for eliminating the grief that comes from an ending. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> It is a challenge to wake up every morning...sleep is the only escape and that's because in your dreams nothing has changed yet. When my eyes open, it all comes flooding back and the rush of devastation comes back all at once, knocking the breath out of me in one swift motion. Mediocre tasks try to keep me busy but the back of my mind is always thinking about how my heart has dropped out of my chest and it feels like it has honestly stopped beating. After seven days of crying my eyes out twenty four hours a day, I went into a music coma. Music is amazing. Everyone who knows me knows how much music can influence my mood, so naturally I listened to all of the heartbreak, heartache, sad, sappy, lonely, country songs and strangely...I found comfort. I realized that despite the fact that I was experiencing my first heartache, I was not going through it alone. Initially, its the sadness that overtakes you; but, after that wares off its the void that becomes the worst...the afterthought.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> Moving on is the absolute hardest part, trying to find someone new while the old person is still in your every move, every thought...then trying to reopen yourself up, re risk everything, learn to trust again. It's torture. Mostly, its discouraging and there seems no point in pursuing it at all. For me, I don't think that I will ever love anyone the way that I loved him. I resent him for that...a little; because, he never put it all out there the way I did. I am glad that I will never have to regret him knowing how I feel. Then there's the awful comparison thing we all do...no one can make me laugh like him, no one's voice can sooth me like him, no one else is HIM. How could I want anyone else? So I'm stuck. I can't move on-mostly because I don't want to...but I don't like being in love with a stranger. People change-sometimes we watch it happen and we wish we could stop it, or change it somehow; but, we can't. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> For the first time in my life, I don't want the fairy tale...I don't want just one person to trust or talk to, I don't even want a relationship. Mostly? Because I can't do it anymore. I'm broken. I'm not sure if it will ever change-though I hope in time my desire for love will rekindle the way it once was. We all start out fresh, new...untouched-then when real life hits and slowly our faith starts to slip away. I was a believer...until I met him. Now, I don't know if I was ever meant to be loved. I feel as if I can only give so much...I don't ask for much, I don't need much to get by; but, I need a little and right now I am out for the count. I wanted to play the game; but, the game played me...and I can't help but think that I can't EVER let that happen to me EVER again. I will never give someone the opportunity to hurt me-not the way he did. So I have decided that maybe Colorado is right...in her own way. Maybe Utah experiences too many fairy tale's to understand why Colorado puts everything else first. Living here has helped me understand why people are so selfish...they're just afraid. So really, they aren't waiting until after their career starts...or after they are financially stable...they are waiting until AFTER their heart heals enough from the first time. Now, for me, there is nothing left to do but wait. </span><br />
<br />b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6548525540498027688.post-87007924195288374862012-04-07T12:28:00.000-07:002012-04-07T12:28:47.440-07:00i am the only me.<h2><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am who I am...</span></h2><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I try <i>way too hard</i> to please the people around me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I ALWAYS fill my cereal bowl up too full.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I can drink an entire gallon of milk by myself in two days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I will NEVER give up on love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I put my <span style="color: #e06666;">whole heart</span> into everything I do; because, I don't do things half way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm OCD about cleaning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I fall hard and faster than most people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <u>love</u> going to sleep with wet hair; even though, it means it will be crazy in the morning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am IN LOVE with reading-a complete <b>bookworm</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I feel like movies are captured <i>magic</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I appreciate music in a way that most people can't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love eating snap peas with chip's ahoy cookies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I NEVER match my socks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love painting my nails crazy <span style="color: orange;">colors</span> that don't make sense.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I try too hard at EVERYTHING.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <u>desperately</u> want to be accepted and loved.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I feel insecure and inadequate on a daily.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I think that romen noodles is an <b>important</b> food group.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I dye my hair as often as I change my sheets.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I LOVE to <i>write</i>...anything and everything-its my <u>passion</u>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I want to be a teacher because I want to make a <span style="color: purple;">difference</span>-regardless of the pay.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I LOVE sports...any and <b>every</b> kind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm a tom boy at heart-and i ALWAYS will be;but, I still know how to feel pretty sometimes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I put everything out there much too soon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I give a lot more than I take.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I need to be held every once in a while.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love <b>daisies</b>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <i>love</i> hot showers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I cry <u>almost</u> every day for no apparent reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am IN LOVE with my comforter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I let people in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love the color <span style="color: cyan;">blue</span>...but I secretly like <span style="color: #f4cccc;">pink</span> too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love playing with eye shadow colors.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I really love earrings that <b>dangle</b>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am 20 years old and I still have footy pajamas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I make time to LISTEN to people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love doing nice things for random people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love going out to dinner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I truly am <i>afraid</i> of all the scary movies people laugh at.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love having my hand held.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I like <u>talking</u> on the phone MUCH more than texting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I LOVE bubble baths.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I LOVE fireplaces.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love love LOVE the <span style="color: lime;">rain</span> more than anything in the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I will give <b>anybody</b> a fair chance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I believe that <i>laughter</i> is the best <u>medicine</u> for anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love <span style="color: #783f04;">chocolate</span> like a fat kid loves cake :)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I think Resess needs its own food group to be truly <b>appreciated</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love getting thirst busters at any and every gas station.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love how smooth my legs are after I shower.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I don't need the latest and greatest of anything, I would rather go without so that someone else can have it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I work <i>hard</i> and play hard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I laugh much too <u>loud</u>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I get the hiccups <span style="color: red;">everyday</span> and they are ALWAYS obnoxious.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I always see the good in people even when all they want to show is the bad.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am a marshmallow...I let people walk all over me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I don't <b>regret</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm a completely <i>HOPELESS</i> romantic. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I believe in <u>romance</u>...and I LOVE to be kissed softly and slowly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I have read pride and prejudice about <span style="color: yellow;">sixteen </span>times.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I still LOVE Britney Spears AND the backstreet boys <3</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am a country girl at heart, but I still LOVE to rap.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am an EMOTIONAL girl.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I like going for <b>walks</b>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I try to be <i>extra</i> thoughtful.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I LOVE with all my heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <u>cherish</u> my friends openly and often.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm afraid to try new things, but when I do-I <span style="color: blue;">usually</span> love them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <b>pretend</b> that I hate to hike; but, when I'm on top of the mountain I'm always glad I went.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I HATE shopping...with a passion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am <i>inspired</i> by the little things in life...I see what most people miss.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I hear the sound of children laughing and my heart is <u>happier</u> instantly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I DREAM big.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I watch Grey's Anatomy, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, One Tree Hill and all those other silly drama's.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I sometimes <span style="color: magenta;">fall in love</span> with fictional characters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <b>believe</b> people can change even when they don't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I clean like a beast if I have a great soundtrack.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I watch tangeled like every other day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I say I LOVE YOU <i>too much</i>...<u>but I always mean it.</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm <span style="color: orange;">afraid</span> of getting hurt but I'm not a coward.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <b>pretend</b> I'm tough, but I'm really just a softie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I <u>adore</u> my piano and the <span style="color: purple;">peace</span> it brings me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>I will never apologize for being me.</i></span>b lanitahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03799938584911930912noreply@blogger.com0